A peek into our journey

Updates in bullets

2012-01-26T17:10:00.000-06:00

Well, technically dashes. Or is it em-dashes? Eh, whatever.

- I've now made a butt-print in my couch. You can see right where the cheeks go and I'm totally okay with that. Thank goodness we bought a good couch...I had no idea that I would cuddled up with it more than my dog and/or husband.

- My bp meds have now been upped a little bit. The lowest dose of medication isn't cutting it anymore. Frankly, I'm not surprised.

- I just spoke with my MFM and apparently high bp, a dynamic cervix and triplets wasn't enough for my body. I now also have cholestasis. (Yeah, I just linked to Wiki.pedia. What of it?) Basically, my liver can't function fast enough to clear out all of the bile that is being produced. The main symptom is extreme itchiness. Oh really? I hadn't noticed, considering I didn't fall asleep until 3 am because I was combing my skin. Yep. AKA biggest scratching device I could find. So add those meds to my list. The American Pregn.ancy Associastion's website state that cholestatis occurs in 1 out of 1,000 pregnancies. Ha ha! Anyone want to guess if I test positive for the diabeetus in two weeks?

- I WANT A SCOTCHEROO! Ohp. Sorry. Nooo idea where that come from!

- Does anyone else watch Dance Moms? And think that Abby Lee is a certified psycho? And that the moms that take their daughters to her are just as insane? Because I think Abby Lee is cuhrazy and the moms that take their kids there are....dumb.

-The moms from Toddler.s and Tia.ras can be added to the crazy pool.

-16 days til 24 weeks.

Survivor's Guilt

2012-01-25T16:53:00.000-06:00

I've been struggling for a bit, my friends.

I'm sure you've noticed that my commenting has dropped off almost completely. It isn't that I'm not reading your blogs, I am!! It's literally the first thing I do in the morning and it's the last thing I do at night. When I whisper my prayers to whomever is listening each night, I include all of you in them. I pray that you have strength, determination, hope and success. I pray you find peace amidst the struggle, you find laughter in dark places and that at the end of the day, you can fall asleep knowing you've done all you can do.

From my home here in the cold midwest I've been celebrating your positives, crying over your obstacles and cheering you on, even if I'm not commenting.

The truth is, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know how to comment.

Several of you have commented on my blog, saying that I give you hope that you can get a positive, even when the doctor's tell you that your embryos suck and that they aren't going to make it. To you I say thank you and that you are a much bigger person than I was/am.

While I was in the midst of treatments I would follow women religiously, stalking them as they updated on their protocols and their outcomes. But as soon as they got their positive I had to stop following. Even though I knew these women had worked just as hard if not harder to get their baby's, it hurt to read about their successful journies, especially after a failed cycle. I couldn't do it. And worse was when a woman who had gotten her take home baby would stop by my blog to say "This is going to work for you!! I know it!!" Because really? No one can know that it is going to work and it hurt to hear that from someone who had already had their dream come true.

The past few days I have gotten up the nerve to comment a few times but in most of the cases, just as I was about to click "submit" I would feel Tic or Tac move. Like they were telling me "What the hell are you thinking? You have no right commenting on these blogs. You've got us and they are still working towards a baby."

I know I'm still aways from bring home Tic, Tac and Toe. That nothing is guaranteed. But I feel guilty that I've gotten to experience three, while so many of you are still waiting for your one (or two). I don't deserve this any more than any of you. In fact, I feel like there are so many of you that are so much more deserving than I am.

After a failed cycle I would often lay in bed and cry "Why me? Why do I have to face this?" The strange thing is I often find myself thinking that same thing these days. Yesterday, when I saw A and B with their heads right next to each other, almost as if they were talking, I thought "What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why not someone else?"

I'm not going to close this post by saying that your turn is coming and that your forever baby is on its way. I don't know that. I can't know that. But I do hope and pray with everything that is in me that your forever baby will find its way to your arms.

And I'm reading. And cheering you on from my couch. I promise.

The uterus that cried wolf

2012-01-24T19:23:00.001-06:00

So I'm doing my thang, watching season 1 of Better off Ted and I feel a contraction. No big deal right? 21 weeks with trips and one should expect the occasional contraction.

I'm about to start the next episode when I have another contraction, this time with some cramping. Hmmm....20 minutes later. No worries! Part way through the episode and I feel a third. Well poopsacks, that's too close together, isn't it?

I chill out for another hour or so, timing how often they came. When we hit 8 minutes apart I called my MFM. "Come on up to Ma.yo" they say. So I hop my butt in the car and drive the two hours to my clinic. Fairly regular contractions all the way up, so let's not lie, I'm starting to freak.

I walk into triage, get hooked up to monitors and......the contractions stop. AAAUUGGHH! DONT SCREW WITH ME UTE! SERIOUSLY!! I laid there for another hour and had a few minor ones, so they brought in the ultrasound machine to measure the cervix. (Side note: accompanying my doc was an OB resident. I don't think the poor guy had ever seen a vagina before. He tried to put the probe in my pubic bone. Uuhhh...NOT GOING IN THERE!")

Cervix? Measuring 1.7!! Boo to the ya! That's up from 1.5 last week! Yeah buddy!

Long story short, we were able to leave the hospital within 2 hours and I gave my uterus a serious talking to. The doc was happy I came in to get checked for sure and it totally put my mind at ease. I'm so glad it wasn't real labor (obviously) but ute....you could cough up the $30 in gas we just spent getting there and back!

Another side note: I just finished The Hunger Games. Loved them. Where should I go from here?

YOU ARE AMAZING!!

2012-01-22T22:30:00.002-06:00

To whomever submitted me to LFCA, you are awesome!

That is seriously such a sweet thing. I'm so touched!

And if you didn't submit me to LFCA, but thought about it, or are one of my followers, well then, you too are awesome!

Aaahh, I have the best followers. Seriously. The. Best.

YAY! Paper chains!

2012-01-22T16:53:00.000-06:00

I freakin' love paper chains. At school, I've been known to put up a paper chain the first day of the second semester with a countdown to the last day of school. Or to Valentine's Day. Or to anything, really.

Because who doesn't love a good paper chain?

There is something so satifying about hearing that paper rip as you remove the next link of the chain. And I love watching the chain get shorter and shorter, as you move ever closer to the goal date.

Guess what I'm putting up in my house?

You can bet your booty there is going to be a paperchain gracing these walls! Only 21 more days until 24 weeks, ie first major goal. My kin.dle fi.re, pin.terest, and knitting will get me through. That, and the thought/hope of my peeps breathing on their own.

Bedrest, I will own you....

Where extreme elation meets crazy, intense fear

2012-01-19T09:40:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was our anatomy scan at May.o clinic. I'm happy to report that all babies look completely healthy and normal. They are all measuring ahead of the game at this point. From four days ahead to a week and a half ahead. Great news for triplets!

We also learned that A and B are still girls. But B? A big ol' prude. When the ultrasound tech moved the wand and said, Hmmm...I think it's a girl, she actually moved her hand and covered up the lady bits. I swear I heard her say "What? I'm not an exhibitionist. You WILL NOT be getting a look at these goods"

Baby C is indeed a boy. When the wand hit him I think I said "Oh Jebus" The boy parts were YOUGE! He certainly is packing some heat.

And then came time for the cervical check. Anxious doesn't even begin to describe how I was feeling. She sticks the want in and............shit. I can immediatly see funneling. She does a quick measurment and.....1.5 cm. Balls.

Short cervix at 20.3 weeks = not good. But at least there was still cervix left, right?

So I'm off work effective immediatly. Laying on my side or reclining in a chair at all times. Hoping and praying that these babies stay in for at least 4 more weeks.

We are so very thankful that the babies are looking as good as they are right now. I am so very scared about what could happen next. Aaahh...the roller coaster that is triplets.

It all happens for a reason?

2012-01-15T20:50:00.000-06:00

Alternate title: A hard pill to swallow

And WAIT! Before you go cursing me out because you think I'm going to write a post about how "everything came together just as it should. Yay! I just had to be patient!" - this isn't going to be that kind of post. So hang around.

As I sit here on the eve of the first day of 20 weeks, I can't help but marvel at how far we've come. If you would have told me a year ago I would be in this position I would have laughed at you, called you a fool, and taken another tequila shot.

But I also can't get Skittle's upcoming "birthday" off my mind. Two days after I *potentially* reach 24 weeks (viability) is February 14th. Skittle's due date. I could have an almost 1 year old running around. But I don't.

And to know that the only reason I have these three fetuses up in here right now is because we lost our first baby? Well, that hurts.

So when people say "Oh, everything happens for a reason, you know!" I want to yell back "SHUT YOUR FREAKIN' MOUTH!" Please, please, give me a reason why I became pregnant only to find out almost four weeks later that there is no way that it could become a living, breathing child. What was the reasoning behind that?

Sometimes, when I think about what could happen to us if these babies come home, I get incredibly happy. And then I remember that if we hadn't lost Skittle, we wouldn't have them. It's a hard position to be in.

And to be fair, Skittle didn't even make it to eight weeks before we had to terminate the pregnancy. I can't even imagine the inner turmoil that women who have had premature labor or stillbirths later on deal with it. How do you move forward, in happiness, while knowing that you wouldn't be in this position without the loss?

Am I excited about Tic, Tac and Toe? Yeah. Am I sad about Skittle? Yeah. The question is, how do I celebrate these babies whole-heartedly while knowing we wouldn't be here if we wouldn't have had to say goodbye to our first?

The time I took it dry and didn't even care

2012-01-13T08:06:00.001-06:00

Welp, ladies, I finally bit the bullet and sat down with my administrators to talk about leave. I'm slated to work my last day of this school year February 3rd. Three weeks from today! Aack!

We had to talk about the nitty gritty details of my leave, ie. would I get paid? Would my insurance premium be paid? etc...

Basically, I'm screwed because it is my first year at my new job. I've taught previously, but that doesn't matter, since it wasn't at this school. And did you know that FMLA only kicks in IF your employer hires more than 50 people AND you've been working at your place of employment for at least 12 months? Yeah, I didn't know that.

I asked about applying for disability coverage. The all agreed that I should apply for it. The catch? There is a 90 day waiting period after you've exhausted your sick days. So, if I can keep these babies cooking until... oh... the end of May, I'm golden. (yeah, not gunna happen)

And because it is my first year at this school, I've got a whole 7 sick days banked. I know, I know, be jealous. My admin team looked into what our state law says, and basically they are only required, by law, to give me 8 weeks off from work, unpaid and no insurance premium paid. However, my school is going to be nice and I can request an extended leave if I want, for 8 additional weeks. The only catch is that my insurance won't be paid by my employer during this time. I've got pretty good health insurance (now... I didn't at my last job) so the premium is going to be pretty high for the time I'm off of work.

But ya know what? I'm totally cool with it. If I can make it through the next three weeks with the peeps still chillin' out, then I can spend the rest of my time incubating until they are born. No more worrying about doing my job and takin' it easy at the same time (an oxymoron). Even if I am unpaid and I have to pay my insurance premium.

Side note: Viability is February 12th. Today the January 13th. The countdown is on.

2012-01-10T08:36:00.000-06:00

Hi all *waves hand*

I'm still here. Still working every day and trying to take it easy as much as I can. Counting my blessings that, as far as I know, everything is going as it should. Trying my best to navigate a crazy fertile world while suppressing every urge I have to sit in a corner, wrap my uterus in bubble wrap and rock until we reach viability.

A friend of the family from my church has graciously offered to host a baby shower for us, and I have to admit, I'm freakin' terrified. First of all, I refused to set the date before 24 weeks. No way in hell was I going to have a shower before the peeps could even live outside of me. Nuh uh. Too many variables still in play at that point. So the date has been set for 27 weeks.

And another part of me? Terrified to have this shower before we actually bring them home. I mean, I know what the statistics are. I know that *if* we make it to 24 weeks, we are not guaranteed to bring home all of them. I know that one or more of them could never see the inside of their nursery. So what if we have this shower, get three of everything, and then only end up bringing home two? What then? I get to look at three cribs and three carseats to constantly remind me of what could have been?

You get that BFP and you think your worries are over. Wrong. You worry about rising betas.
You get rising betas and you think you are done worrying. Wrong. You then worry about seeing a heartbeat. You see a heartbeat and think that everything will be fine. Wrong. You then worry about making it out of the first trimester. You kick the first trimester to the curb and think life will be golden. Wrong. You then worry about aaallllll of the other things that could go wrong.

Infertility, you've taken so damn much from me. Think you could release your grasp any time soon? You've scarred me as it is. You've left your mark and done your job. Please, please, let me have my peace now.

When advocating becomes....badgering?

2012-01-05T18:00:00.002-06:00

The resolution to this messed up story? Even more unblievable to me than anything leading up to this.

I finally got a call from an actual doctor. A Ma.yo clinic MFM. I was able to talk to her for about 10 minutes. I was told that Ma.yo wouldn't take a measurement for me either, until 20 weeks, because I don't have a history of preterm labor and delivery.

I'll give you a bit to let that sink in.

I can't have an ultrasound measuring my cervix, thus *maybe* preventing preterm labor, because I don't have a history of preterm labor.

Do you follow?

'Cus I sure as hell don't.

At the end of the conversation with the doctor I esentially gave up. I try very hard to be an educated patient, ask appropriate and knowledgable questions, and not be pushy while still trying to get the best care for myself. But honestly? I give up.

Some statistics show the incompetent cervix happens in only 1-2 % of all pregnancies. A tiny percentage. But I wonder if a doctor has ever look in the eyes of a mother who has lost a child due to unchecked incompetent cervix and told them they were wrong? They should have done more. If only they had done a simple measurement, placed a cerclage or recommended bedrest. How many children could have been saved? It's impossible to know, but if the number is even one it makes me sick.

What good does it do to be an informed patient if the doctor's won't do anything anyway? Because really, I feel like I would be better off completely oblivious to any complications that could come my way and wandering through their recommendations blind. Instead I read, I listen, I digest, I question, and I receive exasperated sighs and eye rolls.

Maybe they would stick wandy in, find that my cervix actually stretches up to my throat and that I have nothing to worry about. Cool beans. But what if they didn't? What if they checked right now and my cervix was less than a centimeter? You can bet I would be drastically changing my lifestyle and at least be a little more prepared for what could be heading my way.

I guess for now I just wait for the 18th, pray that my body hangs on the way it is supposed to, and stop reading any information because that just makes me a....bad patient?

The rest of the story....

2012-01-05T14:39:00.000-06:00

I anticipated a longer break in time between these two posts, but my last student cleared out sooner than expected, so you get the rest of the story (ala Paul Harvey) sooner than tonight.

Sooo... my local doctor refuses to measure my cervix. Frustrating as hell, but whatev. After all, that was to be the last time I would be seeing him, as we will be traveling the extra distance from now on to Ma.yo in Rochest.er to see the MFM we were (supposedly) set up with.

I asked my husband today to call May.o and get an appointment set up ASAP with our MFM in Rochester for a date with wandy, for my own piece of mind. He is amazing, as always, and promptly places the call. What do we find out? My local doc hasn't sent ANY of my information to Ma.yo, they have no record of me besides my NT scan, and they had no idea that we were planning on delivering at May.o with a Ma.yo MFM. DOUBLE WHAT?

Uh, okay. Great. Okay, well can we set up an appointment anyway, and I will get my record in the mean time? Uhhh.... no. Ma.yo requires a referral from my local doctor. Which they are resisting to give. WHAT. THE. HELL?

So I politely explain the situation to the M.ayo receptionist, tell them that my local doctor is refusing to measure my cervix, even though I've asked, and that we planned on delivering in Rochester anyway, since they have the best facilities around. The receptionist was incredibly polite and understanding, and I am currently waiting on a phone call from a nurse at the clinic to give me more details.

Seriously? At almost 19 weeks pregnant with triplets, I'm NOT being unreasonable by asking for an appointment with an MFM and asking to have my cervix measured. I didn't ask them to serve me a 10 course meal in the process or for them to dress in drag as they do it. Shit, these aren't even things I should have to asking for. My local doc should have set me up from the very beginning and should have been sent my entire file a long time ago, considering the hospital he works for can't support babies born before 35 weeks. He freakin' knew delivery at our local hospital would be impossible.

Ugh. We liked this doctor so much in the beginning. And now I feel like he's dropping the ball during the most anxiety filled part of this entire pregnancy for me.

Hopefully I don't ever have to go back and see my local doc for anything more than routine visits after these babies (hopefully, oh please) come home with me. But until then I would be completely fine not seeing him again. UUGGHH!!

2012-01-05T14:08:00.000-06:00

I had a post all written up about the transition from the IF world to the non-IF world, but that post shall have to wait. I have something that is just really pissing me off and has been frustrating me all day. This post might be long. 10 Golden Stars to you if you read to the end.

Yesterday I had another routine OB appointment. Took my weight (up 4 pounds) and bp (high as always) before taking me back to the exam room. I proceeded to wait AN. HOUR. in the exam room for my doctor. No worries though, because I had brought my trusty Kind.le with me and I was reading away. The doctor finally comes in and we begin our usual chat. He asks if I have had any symptoms from this long list, which I can honestly answer no to. He then asks if I have any questions.

Well, yes, yes I do. I asked if my bp meds could be upped. I'm currently on the lowest dosage given of the mildest medication. You literally can not take less blood pressure medication than I currently am. My doctor's response was at this time, he sees no need to up it. Until I'm consistently having readings of 160/110, he doesn't want to add any more meds because the peeps currently "have enough to work against." Okay, fair, I can respect that. I did ask him about possibly upping it in the future and he said we could if the time and need came. Cool beans.

I then asked if he was going to measure my cervix.

Shit, son.

Before I elaborate, let me back up. At my very. first. appointment with him I asked him when he was going to start measuring my cervix. He hmmed and hawwed, but eventually said 16 weeks. Good enough, I though. At my last appointment? He didn't measure it and I forgot to ask. so 16 weeks came and went. 17 weeks came and went. 18 week appointment was finally here and I could ask!

He once again hmmmed around before finally saying "Who told you about this anyway?" I told him I had done my research and that I knew how important cervical length was and how fast it could change. His response? "I'm not going to measure it because what are we going to do if it is shortening, anyway?"

Oh, no he didn't.

I then explained that I am still working full time and that I would stop working immediately and go on self-imposed strict bedrest if my cervix was shortening or funneling. I've done my research. I know at this point in the game a cerclage can do more harm than good, causing pre-term contractions and eventually preterm delivery. And with triplets, if you are really going to dialate, your cervix will just rip through a cerclage anyway. I know that. But self-imposed bedrest? How can that hurt a situation? His response was "Well why don't you quit working right now then?" Uh, because you see, Dr. Pissmeoff, as soon as I go off of work I don't get another paycheck until SEPTEMBER FREAKIN' 20TH. (Summers off, I love you, but you are going to screw me this year) Call me crazy but I would like to work as long as possible, within reason, so that I can get paid as long as possible.

So I again ask if I could get it measure yesterday, even if it wouldn't change his plan of action, if for no other reason than my own piece of mind. His reponse "Uh, no, I won't do that."

Wait. TWAT? He won't do that? 18 and a half weeks with triplets and you won't perform a perfectly normal exam that a patient is requesting?

If you made it this far, I'm putting 10 gold stars next to your name on my wall. For serious..... And this story isn't over. More tonight.

A great way to start the new year!

2012-01-03T15:00:00.000-06:00

Oh yes, in labor and delivery!

Don't worry, everything is fine. I just came down with a fantastic case of the stomach flu Sunday afternoon, so off the ER we went. At which point I got sent up to L & D for fluids and monitoring.

Good news is we got to hear each baby's heartbeat on the doppler. All where in the 150-160's. I also got a couple of liters of fluids as my keytones were crazy high because I was so dehydrated.

I spent yesterday chilling on my couch and drinking Gator.ade and Pedi.alyte like it was going out of style. A gallon and a half of fluid finally sent me to the bathroom.

Let's just say that my insurance company might be calling me to take back the congratulations they sent me. Three trips to the ER since the end of October? Ouch. But hey, at least I met most of my deductible for the year already!

Besides that, the only other excitement is that I started back to school today. Got to love public education and the week and a half break for the holidays. Thankfully the ankles aren't too swollen today.

Hope the new year is off to a good start with you!

What.......a year

2011-12-30T19:14:00.001-06:00

On the eve of a new year, it only seems fitting to reflect on what has transpired in the last 12 months.

January 1st found us waiting for my doctor to return to his practice. Missed that? Basically, my first doc took a leave of absense in November without giving anyone a heads up. Everytime we called to ask when he was going to be returning we were told "Just a week or two more." So we hung on until the middle of March.

March found us doing a Femara cycle, which was negative (duh)

In April a laparoscopy was recommended. Found out my awe.some insurance wouldn't cover it. We decided to do something we though we would never do and pursue IVF

Never, ever, ever in a million years did I think we would ever do IVF. Never. But then again, never, ever did I think I would hit the 3-year TTC mark with nothing to show for it. But we did.

So on to IVF #1 in June and July. A huge learning process for us. A terrible disappointment. 7 embies sent to heaven before they even had a chance a survival. My heart still breaks over this.

Before we had any time to even think about what our next steps were, we jumped in to IVF #2 And I started a new job. And juggled working full time while driving back and forth 160 miles to my clinic every day. There was the day I cried in my office during a study hall I was supposed to be supervising. There was the time that I almost peed on my doctor's face during transfer. Then there was the amazing news that I had a positive beta, along with not perfectly rising numbers, but rising none-the-less. And then the most amazing day of my life? The day that we saw three heartbeats and our doctor almost fell over.

IVF wasn't even on the radar at the beginning of January. Not even a thought locked away in the back of our minds. It just wasn't. So to think back at what we went through and what we endured? It truly seems like a dream.

2011 didn't turn out the way I had planned. Not at all. It blew my mind in both positive and negative ways, time after time.

No, 2011 didn't turn out the way I had planned. It brought far better things that I could have ever imagine. Here's to hoping that 2012 keeps up the status quo, in my life and in yours. I want nothing more than for all of my blog-ladies to get their BFP and take-home babies in 2012, and for Tic, Tac and Toe to join my husband and I at home.

Come on 2012, don't disappoint!

Ultrasound pictures

2011-12-29T12:05:00.000-06:00

This post is going to be entirely filled with pregnancy porn. I will not be offended if you tell me to buzz off and decide to skip this post.

Anywhoodles, about three weeks ago we had an ultrasound done to guess at the genders. I totally understand that 14 weeks 5 days is right in the grey area of being too soon to tell genders, but we figured what the hell? As long as we know that this is nothing official, and just our best guess right now. Needless to say, we won't be writing their names in cement until we 1) have their genders verified at our 20 week ultrasound and 2) actually bring them home. But here are our best guesses.....with some pictures for backup. Sorry for the terrible quality of them. They just don't look quite as good once you've scanned them and blown them up.

Baby A

"Think Pink"

Baby B

"Think Pink"

Baby C

"Outdoor Plumbing"

So if all stays the same and no one grows/loses a weiner, we've got two girls and a boy!

And just because I like to send you all running for the hills....

17 weeks, 3 days. Notice how maternity shirts are already starting to ride up? Oy vey.

It's been how long?

2011-12-28T08:31:00.000-06:00

Aack! Almost a week since my last post! How did I let the time pass?

Well, with traveling and family, I guess. And lots of blood pressure taking. I will summarize.

Thursday I get out of school and head to the docs, again. My bp was 158 over 78. I can hear talk through my exam room of them admitting me. I want to cry because I would be sitting in a hospital room while the rest of my family celebrates Christmas. This goes without saying, of course, that I would do anything for a positive ending to this. But Bum.mer. They don't end up admitting me and I get strict orders to take my bp fairly regularly between then and my next dr. appt, on the 4th.

Friday is spent visiting my husband's paternal side.

Saturday is spent visiting my extended family.

Sunday is spent visiting my husband's maternal side.

We got home Sunday afternoon and I have spent the majority of the time since then laying on the couch and occassionally checking my blood pressure. Which continually comes in at 130-140 over 70's. This is on blood pressure medication.

Basically, I'm terrified. I know that these next seven weeks are potentially the most dangerous of my entire pregnancy. I know I've got a lot of hurdles to overcome before we even get to viability. I know what my chances are for preterm labor, incompetent cervix, pre-e and the like. As of right now I'm not throwing any protein in my urine, but I know how quickly things can change. I want to fastforward to February 12th, viability. Or at least see in to a crystal ball so that I know what is going to happen.

This Christmas should have been so, so happy, but instead I spent most of my time smiling on the outside and screaming on the inside. When people would talk about how different next year's Christmas is going to be, I wanted to shout YOU DON'T KNOW THAT! WE DON'T HAVE THESE BABIES HOME YET!

When they were talking about admitting me to the hospital, part of me was sad because I would have missed all the time with my family. But part of me was all "YES! Do this! Keep me in the hospital until they are delivered! That way I know exactly how everything is progressing and I know that they have all the medical care that they need, should they need it!"

I'm struggling, friends. I want to embrace this and be super excited. But the jaded, scarred, IF Emily just won't let go. I don't want to get too attached in case something were to happen. I love these babies. But I don't think I love them with every ounce of my heart yet. I hope they know just how badly I want them, but how scared I am that they won't come home with me.

Am I the only one?

2011-12-22T08:53:00.000-06:00

And I shall paint a picture for you again-- (warning-this post is entirely TMI. But I was laughing in the process. Which is why I decided to post it. So if a little pee talk is too much for you, you might want to make your way out of here. No worries)

I head to my appointment yesterday and at the end there is some concern about pre-eclampsia. I am asked to give a urine sample.

"No problem" I think. "I always have to go to the bathroom and these days, a little ol' urine sample is no big deal."

I go down to the lab, they give me the same old instructions, and I head to the bathroom to do my thang. Now, ladies, I'm sure most of you know the drill. So I go about my business, first pulling my hair into a ponytail so I can maybe see what I'm doing. I then begin cleaning the "down under" with the moist towelettes and take my place upon the throne.

Can I say that trying to see what you are doing when moving an almost 17 week belly out of the way? Impossible. But hilarious if you had been watching me. So after 2 or 3 minutes of positioning and repositioning, I think I can finally see what I'm doing. I start the flow. AUGH!! WAIT!!! That's not the cup I'm hitting, it's my HAND! And it's bouncing off of my hand and going all over the seat. GROSS!!

I quickly reposition the cup and think I've finally got it where it belongs. WAIT AGAIN! It's not going in the cup, it's bouncing off the cup and going on the FLOOR!! SICK!

At this point I just began thrashing the cup around with no regards for aiming, hoping that at some point I hit the jackpot and get some in the container.

I did end up getting lucky and I got some in the container, but I'm pretty sure I got more on my hands, seat, floor and the outside of the cup in the process of "aiming" I'm also pretty sure I'm the first person that has ever taken more than 10 minutes to complete a urine sample.

Please tell me I'm not the only one that ends up with more in surrounding areas than in the actual cup itself?

And side note, I will find out today if there was protein in my urine. Let's hope not. I'm totally prepared to developed pre-e, but this early? Hopefully not.

When science doesn't have all the answers

2011-12-20T12:42:00.001-06:00

Ya know, it's amazing. Scientists and doctors know so much about the human body, hormones and reproduction. And at the same time? They know so stinkin' little. Before you read in to this, no, I'm not saying that I know anymore than these folks do. I know very little about the inner workings and nuances of the human body. But isn't it crazy that these professionals, these doctors, can know so much and so little at the exact same time?

They can make decisions on exact dosages to administer to make the body jump into overdrive, they can make previously menopausal women produce enough eggs to possibly propagate a child. They can adjust temperatures and incubating fluids so that embryos grow to exact state they would inside the human body. But in the end? They don't have all the answers.

My heart is currently breaking for JM. She recently transferred a beautiful, perfect blast and a compacting blast. When I saw her embies, I actually gasped out loud and said to myself "Those are beautiful." They really did look picture perfect. And while I know it's not over until it's over, things are not looking good for her. I've been hoping beyond hope that her second beta comes in positive today.

How can science call something "perfect" when they really can't know? Her embies really did look perfect, but her end result is far from perfect. What about embryos that get discarded because they are fragmented and not looking exactly like they should? No one can say for sure that they won't produce babies.

Just an inner conflict I'm having today. We trust our doctors and medicine and science to be foolproof, but in the end, it's not. No one really knows for sure. Hugs to JM.

Edited: I'm not mad at the doctors/scientists for not knowing. It is just frustrating when we put so much faith into them and they can't be absolutely certain, through no fault of their own. Lulu's comment helps to clarify why they don't know.

Why does it matter?

2011-12-19T09:18:00.000-06:00

Saturday morning I got to spend a fun-filled hour in the Emergency Room. Long story short, my heart started racing (around 180 beats per minute) and after 20 minutes we decided we should head in and get it checked out. And of course, 10 seconds after I get hooked up to the monitors my heart slows down, back to normal. Anywhoodles, not the point of the story.

Before anyone hooked up anything to me or gave me any meds, I made sure they knew that, currently, I've got fetuses up in here. The first reaction was always "Wow, that's crazy." Followed immediately by "Where they conceived through fertility treatments?"

Now, I am not ashamed that I got knocked up with the help of 10 other people and a lot of money. I have no issues telling people that we didn't conceive after a romantic night and a bottle of wine. It doesn't mean I love them any less or they are any less "natural" than children who where made that way.

But my first reaction is why in the hell does it matter how these children were conceived? Number one, I was in the ER for MY HEART. I was concerned about what my heart palpitations would do to my peeps, which is why I went in, but there wasn't an immediate threat to any of them (turns out my heart doing that won't affect them at all) And 2. No matter how ANY child was conceived, once it is growing within the mother's body, there isn't a difference between it and a "normally" conceived pregnancy. Of course, a triplet pregnancy is different than a singleton pregnancy, but an IVF triplet pregnancy IS NOT different than a spontaneous triplet pregnancy.

So really, why did it matter to these medical professionals how I made my children? Why are they concerned with whether or not me and the hubs did the hibbity? And beyond the medical field, why is ANYONE concerned with how we make our children? Who cares if they were made in a petri dish, a catheter, a lab, a swamp or the backseat of a car? I doubt they are going to come out with "PETRI DISH" stamped across their forehead. (But side note, can you imagine if every child DID come out labeled as to where they were made? It would make for some interesting stories, I can imagine)

Am I ashamed of this? Hells no. I'm loud, proud and out there. So what if it took me 112 injections to get these guys? But really, why does it matter to other people? Maybe next time someone asks me if they are "natural" I will tell them not only are they natural, but we got them here by doing it doggy-style. Wonder what their reaction would be then? *grin*

A post with a picture

2011-12-15T11:09:00.002-06:00

A belly picture

If you are one of my readers that are currently in a dark place, I urge you to skip this post. I won't be offended. I will actually be happy for you and the fact that you did not scar your retinas with the image I am about to put out there.

A few people have asked to see pictures, but truth be told, we haven't taken any. Why? Am I afraid of jinxing everything and sending myself into premature labor by taking this picture? ~~Probably.~~ Yes.

But I did it. So here you have it.... 15 weeks and some odd days. According to some baby tracking websites I guess each babe is about 4-4.5 inches head to butt? And while you are at it, check out my super hott pants. Fleece plaid pants? Oh yes I did.

Side note: Anyone want to pitch in some money and help me buy a new bathroom countertop? I mean, mine is pretty sweet and all, but it could use some replacing. But then again, who says a cream countertop with maroon and seafoam swirls in it needs to go?

Addendum to last post

2011-12-14T07:57:00.000-06:00

I forgot to mention that both my husband and I are both very adamant about giving each baby their own, individual name. We don't want any of the names to start with the same letter or even to sound the same.

When you live in a town of 1500 and work in a town of 1000, people are automatically going to group these peeps together. Might as well give them a fighting change at individuality by naming them completely different things, know what I mean? So if we choose one name that ends with an -ah, none of the other names can end with that. And? We also want them all to have a different amount of syllables. Demanding? Uh, I guess so.

And please know that I do not think people who give their kids all rhyming names or names that all start with the same letter are dumb/stupid/making a mistake. It just isn't for us at this time.

All of this being said, as long as they stay the genders we think they are, these tots have now been named! And if they come out different genders than what we think? Well, we're royally screwed.

What's in a name?

2011-12-13T12:05:00.000-06:00

Ugh. To me, one of the hardest parts of bringing children in to the world is picking a name. It needs to be something that works for a child, won't cause the child embarrassment as they head in to adulthood, isn't too trendy and can stand the test of time. And I can't know anyone else by that name. And I can't have had a shit-head student that ruined the name for me.

Take the name Blake. I have never known (personally) anyone by the name of Blake that doesn't make me want to punch them square in the ear. That name? Out.

Add to the naming conundrum that these will be my only babies (god willing they make it to viability). I've got to pick something gooooood.

And the meaning? It needs to be something that gives a nod to the path we've been on to get them here. At least in my brain that would be cool. Ya know, when the meaning of the name is "wenttohellandbacktogetyouwearesohappyyouarehere"

Add to this that you have ~~people~~ parents that want you to honor great-aunt Mildred and Cousin Percival. Holy nutsack, it gets hard to narrow things down to what you like and what you don't.

So, readers, tell me how you have picked your children's/future children's names. How do you decide on something so important?

Fact

2011-12-11T16:34:00.000-06:00

Fact: I had an ultrasound on Friday

Sorta Fact: We *think* we know the genders of the babies. I say think because one of them was being stubborn so we were able to make an educated guess, but it isn't 100 percent.

More fact: My "taint" feels like something is trying to poke/stab through it.

Last fact: I will share their supposed genders next week, after we have told our parents

And lastly, the thought of having to go #2 makes me want to cry. Between the 'taint and the 'roids? My bungholio has had enough. Any tips from anyone out there who has dealt with this successfully?

Kids say the darndest things?

2011-12-08T08:14:00.000-06:00

Let me preface this by saying my first reaction was to laugh. It is important for you to know that I really, truly wanted to laugh, but had to stifle the laughter as to not mock the kid. So anywhoodles....

On Monday of this week I had a concert for all of my students in grade Kindergarten through third grade. You know the concert were kids dress up in their new Christmas outfits, sing a few songs about reindeer and santa, mom and dad get a few shots for the memory books, and then we all head home. Umkay.

As I'm walking around the school, telling each class that they can go find their spot in the gym before the concert starts, a first grader stops me. "MRS. K! MRS. K! I know that you are going to have two babies!"

"Well actually," I say, "I'm going to have three babies."

Then with a very serious six-year-old face, the first grader says "Oh. But I bet one of them is going to die anyway."

And here is where I try and stifle my laughter. Because really? How does a first grader even think of that?

My second reaction was intense sadness, because either he has lived through something pretty terrible OR his parents/family don't seem to have a filter about what is appropriate to talk to a six year old about.

When I told my dad this story he was absolutely mortified. He couldn't believe what this kid had said. But honestly, I'm just surprised that this kid didn't drop a string of swear words, ending it all by telling me to screw myself.

Aaahhhh. Never a dull day when working with children.

Fatty McFatterson

2011-12-07T16:23:00.001-06:00

That's my name, don't wear it out!

Had a doctor's appointment today. Babies looked great. Blood pressure looked great. Weight looked
AUGH!! I mean, fine.

Up 17 pounds since transfer. And my doctor did not seem concerned at all.

To celebrate a good appointment, we stopped on the way home and got ice cream. Oh yes, we did!

And a side note - when I first got labeled as "high risk" I freaked the eff out. But now I'm totally seeing my ignorance. An ultrasound every other week? Yes, please! Even if it is on a portable, crappy machine. Yay! And I've got another real post forthcoming. I plomise.

Another moment of diarrhea mouth, on a serious subject

2011-12-03T09:36:00.000-06:00

Last Wednesday I had the opportunity to spend some time with some college friends that I hadn't seen in a very long time. These peeps are awesome. Whenever we get together, it's like we haven't spent any time apart. Even though we are now a bit older than we were in the "good ol' days" and can't hold our liquor quite as well, some things about us just haven't changed.

Anywhoodles, we got together. And as the night progressed one of my friends asked me about the babies and told him that I wasn't really excited yet. He couldn't believe my answer and quickly asked why. I responded with something along the lines of there being so many things that could happen between now and their birth, I didn't want to get too excited, only to have it all taken away.

He then said that if *God forbid* something did happen to my babies we could "just do IVF again."

Without a moment's hesitation I responded "I would not do IVF again."

Really? I wouldn't? Even while I've got three babes jumping around in-utero, I'm saying I wouldn't do it again? It was one of those moments where my brain was thinking one thing and my mouth said another. My brain hadn't yet processed what I said when it came falling out of my mouth. (Kinda like the shart comment)

I shook it off and moved on with our conversation, but as I was driving home that night I mulled over that conversation quite a bit. Would I do IVF again? If something awful happens to these in-utes, would I put myself through a full blown cycle (I probably don't need to remind you that we don't have any frosties to turn to) again? Aaaahhhh, I don't know...

I really can't see myself doing it again. I really couldn't go through the appointments, wandings, shots, etc, knowing that I seem to produce some pretty shoddy looking embryos (although these babes surprised me, obviously)

If this cycle hadn't worked I can say that no, I would not have done it again. Even though we had one more fresh cycle for "free" since we did the at.tain program, I really can't see myself going through that, at least not yet. And we all know, in the IVF world, time is of the essence.

It's interesting. Before we did IVF I would read blogs about women who had had enough of IVF. Even if there was still a chance that they could conceive their own, they wouldn't put themselves through it anymore. I didn't understand. If there was still a chance that you could carry your child, why woudln't you? But now? Oh holy hell, I get it.

The physical stuff? I could handle that again. Does it suck to gain 5 pounds of bloat, to not be able to move quickly because of ovaries the size of softballs and to have to go through the retrieval process? Yeah, that sucks. But I could do that again. Pain is temporary, right?

It's the emotional part that I just can't do again. I can't handle the ups and downs and feeling so helpless. Now, I know that adoption and childlessness aren't a walk along the beach, either. They are both whole new ballgames, with their own ups, downs and frustrations. But at this point in the game, if I had to choose how to move forward, I just can't decide which appeals to me more.

This all being said, if my husband and I are ever faced with an IVF decision again, I honestly don't know what we would choose.

How about you? Have you ever been to a point where you were just done with it all?

Because you are the best!

2011-11-28T19:03:00.001-06:00

First off, let me thank you for all of the kind words on my last post. I always want to be sensitive to my blog friends who are still in the midst of this hellacious journey, but the fact that you had such wonderful comments has filled my heart with ooey-gooey-goodness. Thank you. I am blessed to have such wonderful readers. You pretty much rock my face off.

And 2nd, to wonderful ladies have given me an award! JM over at Meier Madness AND The Cornfed Feminist have both graciously awarded me the Liebster Award!

Here are the rules to pass this on:
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

So 1. Thank you JM and Cornfed Feminist. Both of these ladies are incredibly strong women, and if you haven't checked them out, go do it now! I can wait.

Now for number 2. Hmmm... okay, here are my top five picks, in no particular order.
1. Rain at Weathering the Storm. This blogger has brought home her son through domestic infant adoption.
2. Lulu at Getting Closer to Fine. This wonderful blogger is two days behind me after an IVF cycle.
3. 2berrys at Starting my life at 35. She just experienced a failed IVF cycle.
4. Lmac at Our Fertility Adventure. She also has experienced a recent failed IVF and is looking at starting another in the spring.
5. Jessica at Journey to the Center of the Uterus. This blogger is pregnant with twin boys and always makes me laugh. Her latest post? On the bunghole and 'roids. Cracked me up!

So there ya have it. You ladies rock, and that's all there is to it!

The post where I finally get around to it

2011-11-27T21:34:00.002-06:00

That's right, dear bloggy readers. I My husband finally scanned in our ultrasound pictures. So if you don't want to see them, for whatever reason, please feel free to skip this post.

I'm giving you ample time to close your browser, if you don't want to see it.

Still there?

Looks like you're hanging around. Without further ado, I present Tic, Tac and Toe.

From our 10 week ultrasound on November 7th

And our 12 week ultrasound on November 21.

This is going to be the whiniest comment ever, but I was bummed by the quality of the pictures from our 12 week scan at Mayo. They had to get a profile shot of each of the babies to get a NT measurement, but did they print those pictures? Nope. Whatev. So individually, here are some pictures of our babes, from both our 10 and 12 week scans.

If you look on the top picture of this set, you can see Baby C's feet in a "v" shape. That baby had its legs crossed at the ankles. Crazy you could tell that this early.

Anywhoodles, there they are. I apologize for the crappy quality of the pictures, but it is what it is.

And a happy Sunday to you. I hope Monday morning finds you with an easy transition back into work! :)

And JM, thanks for the award! Hopefully tomorrow isn't too crazy so I can blog more then!

Quick update

2011-11-25T22:28:00.000-06:00

I'm still alive, fully intending on posting pictures soon.

I won't make excuses. I'm basically too ~~tired~~ lazy to drag the scanner out and hook it up to the computer. Couple that with spending yesterday praying to the porcelain gods and crazy Black Friday shopping today, and well, I'm pooped. But I will get there.

And bloggy friends, you should know that yesterday, when I counted my blessings, I counted all of you. I'm so very, very thankful for your love and support.

Ultrasound pics before I go back to school on Monday. Plomise.

2011-11-21T18:37:00.000-06:00

I was going to scan the pictures we got today but, well, my husband took them with him to work today. So be warned, sometime in the next couple of days, I'm going to have a very annoying, very ultrasound-picture-filled post. So if that isn't your style (and I don't blame you), steer clear of this place until Thursday.

Next thing - do ultrasound technicians sense crazy? Do they know that I am completely and over-the-top anxious every time I have an ultrasound? Because as soon as I got lubed up, the tech went to each baby very quickly to check for heartbeats. Instead of looking at one, measuring, calculating, and do whatever else they do with one, she showed us all three first, then went about her business. I'm convinced my sweat smells different or something. How do they know that I'm psycho?

Thirdly, my RE and OB/MFM have given me different due dates. How can that be? They only differ by a day, but when I said I was 12 weeks 1 day today, the MFM quickly said "Oh, no, your 12 weeks exactly today" Um, what? It's not like there is a window of ovulation. I "ovulated" September 11th at 7:30 am. Exactly. So what gives? Whatev.

And lastly, I need to voice this. I hate it (HATE IT!) when docs/nurses/ultrasound techs leave the room without giving me clear directions. When my ultrasound was over today, the tech laid a towel on my stomach, then said "When the doctor is free we will come back in and I will give him my report" then walked out. Do I wipe of the lube? Do I pull my pants back up? Do I sit up? Was she going to show the doctor a live ultrasound? I made the decision that she was, in fact, done, and used the towel to wipe myself off. And then immediately regretted it. What if she wants a quick look when she comes back in? Do I make up a quick lie? The stuff got cold on my stomach? It was dripping into my bellybutton? WHAT DO I DO?

So all in all, a good day. And for reals, I had some crazy-ass jelly legs when we were walking out of the clinic. If I had to guess, before my appointment, my blood pressure was probably 2000 over 900. So coming down from that extreme anxiety made me feel like I had just run a thousand miles.

And by the way, she was done with the ultrasound. TOTALLY made the right call on wiping off the belly. *Whew*

This is what relief feels like!

2011-11-21T14:19:00.001-06:00

First off, welcome to any ICLW'ers that have found your way here. My history can be read on the left side column of this blog. Its been an interesting journey with an unlikely ending thus far.

Secondly, I am just driving home from our NT scan. And I'm coming down from an anxiety high like never before.

Tic, Tac and Toe looked perfect. NT measurements were between .13 and .16, well below the normal range. Heartrates were 157, 158 and 168, respectively. All were measuring 12 weeks 2 days and 12 weeks 3 days.

A huge sigh of relief was felt across the Midwest today after the scan was done. I feel like I can breathe again.

More later. Love to you.

Quiet moments

2011-11-20T19:31:00.000-06:00

As you have read all too often, I'm a music teacher at a public school. That means I work 7-4, Monday through Friday. And if you read my sidebar, you can see that my husband is a deputy sheriff. He works second shift, from 6 pm until 2am.

Because of these hours we don't see each other a lot, but we make it work. I usually get home around 4:15ish, make a quick supper, we eat at the geriatric time of 5pm, then he gets ready and heads to work. *This is all assuming that he doesn't get called in early and that I don't have some after school practice, concert, etc*

With our opposite work schedules, I have a lot of time to myself. Sometimes I like to turn on trashy TV and spend mind-numbing hours in front of it. Other times I grab a book, curl up with the pooch and read to my hearts content. Other nights I'm stuck doing paperwork for school. While I could be sad that I don't see my husband that often, I actually relish in the quiet moments I have to myself.

Lately I've been using "my" time to reflect on this journey. To try and figure it all out. I know that I will never know exactly why things happened the way they did, but it has been....nice?...shall we say, to see how things fell together. I've also been using this time to talk to our embies. I know, they can't hear me yet, but it has made me feel like they know how much they are wanted and how much we love them already.

Tonight, though, our conversation was different. I am now less than 24 hours away from seeing the babes again, this time for a NT scan (Seriously. What the deuce? How is it already time for a NT scan?) I had to let them know how happy I was that they have spent this time with me. And I also told them that I really hope I see all three of them moving around tomorrow. But at the end? I whispered to them that if one or more of them has already slipped away, that they have already made me the proud momma to triplets. That even if we find out tomorrow that we aren't still expecting three, that for two months in time I got to experience something that most people don't. And that they have made me happier than I have ever been before in my life. I told them that if their job here on earth was already done, I wouldn't be mad at them. I'm happy for the time we had together.

No matter what we find out tomorrow, I will always be a mom to triplets. I just hope and pray with all of my heart that I actually get to parent these miracles. Please let tomorrow bring me good news.

I've decided....

2011-11-19T08:41:00.000-06:00

That along with the medical services you receive when you "enroll" at a fertility clinic, there should be a long list of items that you also receive, "free of charge." Lord knows we spend enough money at those clinics, am I right? So here is the list I've compiled thus far of things that should also be provided to you when you start fertility treatments.

-Kleenex, to dry your tears when you are having a crazy crying moment from the drugs
-a subscription to Netflix, for when you are on bedrest after embryo transfer
-a maid/butler, so you don't have to feel bad when you need your husband to do everything for you
-a gift card for new clothing, for when the IVF bloat takes hold
-an unlimited supply of pregnancy tests.
-a doppler
-an ultrasound machine and the classes to know how to use it

There are many, many other things that I could add to this list, but I thought this was a good start. What do you think my clinic would say if I showed up with a list of these and told them that I wanted them to supply me with these things? :)

And how about you? What do you think our fertility clinics should provide for the chunk of change we give them?

*Please know this is all in fun. I don't actually feel that my clinic should provide all of these things. Alltthhoouuggghhh, it would have been nice to not spend another $100 on pregnancy tests!

Happy Birthday!

2011-11-18T14:03:00.000-06:00

To the sassiest lady I know!

She makes me laugh, she is the best cuddler in the world, and she has stolen her daddy's heart since the day we got her. That's right, happy birthday to Karen!!

My little girl is all grown up!

I just realized, she turned 21 today! We better celebrate!

Bake.....and drink?

2011-11-17T08:15:00.000-06:00

With Thanksgiving fast approaching, I have to get ready for a family tradition of mine. It's called Drink and Bake. And it is hilariously successful.

Growing up, we always made holiday treat trays for everyone we could think of. Neighbors, newspaper delivery boys, church secretaries, etc. But my mom and I hated baking all the things needed to fill these treat trays. It's not that we don't like to bake, we just didn't like all of the meticulous things one has to do when making trays filled with chocolate dipped oreos and pretzels that look like reindeer. So once I entered college, we came up with an idea. Let's spend one whole day baking everything we would need for all of these trays. We could divide and conquer, each of us making quadruple batches of 4 or 5 different things. And since I was in college at the time, why not add drinking to the day, too?! It would at least make the day go faster.

It became a tradition that eventually grew larger and larger. Last year we had my mom and myself, along with 8 other people. They come over early in the morning, we start baking and drinking mimosas. As the day progresses we continue to bake and switch to margaritas, daquiris, and the like. By the end of the day we are usually done baking and sufficiently rosy-cheeked. A couple of years ago, though, we knew something had to give when somebody tried to take a pan of cookies out of the oven without oven mitts. So we stopped baking :)

This year I'm obviously not participating in the drinking portion of this holiday, so for me it's just a "Bake and bake." Thus, I *should* be able to complete more holiday baking than normal. We always make the obligatory peanut butter star cookies and a tray or two of rit.z peanut butter sandwiches dipped in chocolate. But I'm looking for something new.

So help me out, dear bloggy friends. What holiday sweets always grace your tables? Give me something different to try this year. What do I HAVE to have when I hand out holiday candy this year?

Ooohh jeebs!

2011-11-15T19:21:00.000-06:00

Let me paint a picture for you. It's one o'clock this afternoon. I'm already a bit frazzled because of an administration that likes to micromanage their teachers and students who don't seem to be able to follow directions. My mind is going in a million different directions at a million miles a minute. I don't really have control of my mouth.

The bells rings and my high school choir files into my classroom. All 74 of them. So I'm standing in front of 74 high schoolers. I finally get them to quiet down and I begin my regular routine of daily announcements. I rattle through the first three announcements with no problem.

I get to the fourth annoucement. It's supposed to be about our next performance. As I get going, I want to say "our next concert starts at 7 pm". Instead, I say "our next concert SHARTS at 7 pm." I then stop myself and say, out loud, "Did I just say sharts, out loud, in front of you all?"

Cue hysterical laughter and a red-faced Emily. How in the world did the word SHARTS just slip out? It's not like I use this word in my daily vernacular!

Needless to say, today wasn't a very productive day in my class. After all, I did start the class period by ~~yelling~~ saying the word sharts!

To clear the air

2011-11-12T08:29:00.000-06:00

I feel like I need to take a minute here to clear the air and explain some things. After yesterday's post I received some comments that made me feel like people in this community might be judging decisions my husband and I have made. Now, I'm positive that wasn't the intent of the comments. And if it was, well, you suck and are lucky that I like to see the best in people.

The very first time I met my doctor, ever, and we started talking about IVF he said something that gave me something to chew on. As he was walking us through what an IVF process would look like, he stopped the conversation, rather abruptly, to say that he only likes to transfer one embryo. He made it very clear, and said several times, that a singleton pregnancy is always his goal. But then he followed it up with, "But I know that only transferring one is a hard sell because these are your babies, this is your body, and you are the ones footing the bill."

That being said, he went on to say that the clinic will only transfer 2, except in extreme circumstances, ie, mother over 35, multiple failed cycles, terrible looking embryos, etc. We understood this and had always thought that we would transfer two if given the opportunity. My body could probably handle twins okay, we've got the space and finances for two at once, and they would be a wonderful blessing.

My husband and I then had a very long talk about our embryos. We had to sign consent forms that said what we would like done with them in the event of a death, etc. We both agreed that we felt every.single.embryo should be given a chance at life. If we were to be killed at the same time, they should be given to another couple for a shot at life. We also decided that if we thought we were done having a family and still had embryos left, we would give them to another couple. Even if they are "just a clump of cells", they've got the potential to become a person. I can't imagine disposing of something that could become a person.

So fast forward in time. IVF #1 sucked. No embryos kept growing, although we never were given a clear reason why. IVF #2 resulted in "highly fragmented, pretty bad" looking embryos. When we went up for our transfer, our doc had looked at our embryos. And he had given the okay to transfer three if we wanted to. Now, please refer to above conversation. The minute we found out we could transfer three was a terrible moment. From when we first met our doctor, we knew that if we had been given the green light for three, it must be a dire situation for our embryos. The doc who did our transfer even said "We are very surprised at the quality of your embryos. We thought we would get a better quality this time, but that isn't the case. They should look like *insert jabber about rainbows and unicorns and evenly sized cells here* and instead they look like *insert gloom and doom and enough sad talk to make you break in to the ugly cry.*"

My husband and I looked at each other, saw the sadness in each other's eyes, and quickly made the decision to transfer three. Even if none of these embies were going to keep growing, they deserved the chance to. If they had to arrest in their development, they should arrest in the place that they were loved the most.

When I looked at the doctor and said that I needed to transfer three, he softly said, "That's completely fine. I understand."

Now some people have said that maybe we should have only transferred one and frozen the other two. My clinic doesn't work that way. If they don't make it to blast by day six, they discard them. No question about it. If it looks like a less than perfect blast, at that, they don't always freeze it. Would my embies have made it to day six perfect blast? I can say no, without a doubt. So the children that are now growing within me would have been discarded with yesterday's trash.

Do you know how often I wonder about the other 12 embies that we discarded? I wonder every single day what would have happened with those embies. Would they have kept going? Would they have made it to term? Would they have enriched lives?

So when we made the decision to transfer three, it wasn't because my clinic is on its way to making the next Octo-mom, nor was it because I'm interested in starting my own TLC show "Emily and her herd" It's because we were pretty much told that these embryos were going to die, whether they were in the lab or they were inside of me. And I couldn't move forward knowing I didn't give every child of mine a chance to thrive that I could.

So the less than one percent chance of triplets? That's accurate. The thirty percent chance of a singleton? That actually on the high side. And the fact that I've still got all three of my babes is nothing short of God's hand performing a miracle in my life.

So please, before you leave a comment about your clinic's protocol or how you never would have transferred three, knowing the complications of a triplet pregnancy, know that we were fully prepared to face this IVF cycle as a negative. We were already making plans about what to do next. Our best looking embryos are probably your worst looking ones. We knew the complications of a triplet pregnancy, we knew what the possible outcomes could be for the babies, but we did what we needed to do at that moment in time with the information we were given.

Say what?

2011-11-11T10:59:00.000-06:00

Since embarking on this fantabulous infertility journey (oh-so-much sarcasm there) I have felt it is my personal duty to stand on a soap box and educate people about what infertility is really about. Because ya know what? People can say some pretty dumbass things when it comes to fertility/infertility. It seems that if you have had a baby with little trouble, you are well versed in the medical practices that it takes for some people to get pregnant?

And in my education/soap box time, there have been some things that have been said that really irk me. Ya know the things. When somebody says something that makes you want to go "Say what? You did NOT just say that, did you? You deserve to be sentenced to a year of eating toenails for that ass-hattery."

In no particular order, here are the top three things that people have said to me that make me want to slap them more than normal.

1. "Are your triplets natural?" What? Are they natural? No, they are made out of polyester and spandex. I know what they are trying to get at here, but by asking if they are natural? Did I conceive them spontaneously? No. Are they natural? Yep, they will look like any other person when they are born.

2. "How many embryos did you transplant?" FOR THE LAST TIME!! I didn't transplant ANY embryos. We transferred them and prayed that they would stick around. Transplant implies that it is a sure thing. IVF is sooooo not a sure thing. Everyone repeat after me: Transfer, not transplant.

And

3. "Well, you shouldn't be surprised with triplets. You did transplant three embryos." First, see above. Did not transplant. Two, we had a less than one percent chance that we would have triplets. We were told that by transferring three we would have a thirty percent chance that one would hang around. Do you see how they odds were not in our favor? So don't tell me not to be surprised about triplets. This shouldn't have happened, although I thank God every day that it did.

So, bloggy friends, I'm warning you. If you say any of these three things to me I will sentence you to toenail eating. Fair warning :)

Chickenpig brought up a good point - your chance of multiples is higher if you are under 35. BUT my embryos were so bad looking and fragmented that none of the embryologists or RE's, for that matter, thought they would continue to grow. So the thirty percent chance that they gave us? That was on the high side, based on my history and my embryos.

So much to say...

2011-11-10T12:53:00.000-06:00

And not enough time to do it! Why is that work always seems to get in the way of everything I actually want to do? Yeah, I do like my job, but sometimes? Not so much.

After lugging a pee jug around my school on Tuesday (yes, I totally did a 24 urine collection at school!) I was able to drop it off yesterday to find out if it was chock full of protein. The good news? No protein! Okay, there was some, but it was in the very normal range for a pregnant woman. So no pre-eclampsia yet!

Bad news? Blood pressure was still 160 over 95. Diagnosis? Gestational hypertension. Umkay. The doc said that I could either just try and rest a lot or start a low dose, pregnancy safe blood pressure med. I'll let you guess which one I chose, and I'll give you a hint - I'm a music teacher heading in to Christmas - prime concert time. Lots of rest isn't really an option unless I get put on bedrest.

Also, I've got my NT scan scheduled. A week and a half away. How in the world did that happen?

The conversation for the appointment went something like this:
Nurse: Hi, I'm calling from Ma.yo Clin.ic in Roch.ester and I've got your appointment date and time.
Me: Oh, well I was really, really hoping I could get it on this day, because I don't have school and I wouldn't have to take another *nonexistent* sick day.
Nurse: Uh, no. Your appointment is the day before that. At this time. See you then.

So I guess you don't argue with the Ma.yo clinic?

Anywhoodles, gotta run. The bells say that it's time for my next class!

Nothing is ever easy, is it?

2011-11-07T15:25:00.002-06:00

First off, babies heartrates came in at 180, 178 and 168. All three are measuring fine, and they were even jumping around. So that's that.

Bbuutt, my blood pressure. Uff. The first time it was 180 over 100. They took it after the ultrasound and it was 185 over 98 and 180 over 90. Shitsacks.

So, starting immediately I'm on blood pressure medication, I get to take a 24 pee jug (at school tomorrow??) And I have another appointment tomorrow afternoon. Oh, and I get to hang around my clinic for the next three hours, having my blood pressure taken every 30 mins. Ya know what would be cool? If my body didn't suck.

Edited to add: after sitting at the clinic for three hours, I finally got a reading of 150 over 85. Still not anywhere close to ideal, but low enough to get me out of an emergency admittance situation. they retracted the blood pressure meds for now, I have to collect my pee all day tomorrow, and I will have another appointment with my doctor wednesday afternoon. I also purchased a blood pressure machine and my last reading, while chilling on my couch, came in at 125 over 80. So who knows? Maybe I've just got unusually large tharms and I need a different cuff?

I'm a dip

2011-11-07T11:55:00.000-06:00

Because I completely forgot to give a blogosphere shout out to this dude:

My husband on our wedding day. It's the only good picture I've got of him on this computer.

This guy turned 28 on Saturday. TWENTY. EIGHT.

He's lucky that I don't mind sleeping with an older man.

So happy birthday to a great guy, and I hope that 28 is the best year yet.

Side note: 3 hours until my ultrasound. Here's to hoping that the babies are a-movin' and a-shakin'.

Thought-Vomit.....Friday?

2011-11-04T15:47:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I meant to do this yesterday. And then I didn't. So I'm doing it today. Umkay?

-One very awesome lady, Mindy, is headed my way as we speak! We are going to spend the weekend making freezer meals, which I am *strangely* very excited about!

-Three days from my next ultrasound. I don't know whether to be excited or terrified. At this point I'm bracing for the worst. It's pretty sad how badly IF has messed me up.

-My school has just handed out ma.c la.ptops to every single student, grade K-12 for free. If they wanted to take them home every night, they had to pay $35. And I have never. in. my. life. heard people complain as much as they have about these computers. Brand spankin' new. Ap.ple laptops. FOR FREE! And some students are complaining about them. I can't figure it out... I really can't.

-Hemorrhoids plus constipation equals suckiness. TMI, but it's my blog. :)

-My birthday is in March, but my husband had my birthday present delivered today. What is it? You ask? Well, a brand new stove! It's puurrty. He told me he got it this early so I could actually enjoy it. So I'm gunna spend my weekend cooking on a brand-new cooktop!

-Happy weekend, ladies!

You can now GO AWAY!

2011-11-01T19:29:00.001-05:00

Ya see this?

That has had a permanent residence on my countertop since....oh....June 26th. Now check this out:

Can you spot the difference, besides the obvious close-up of the second shot?

Huh?
Can ya?

I'll give you a hint: THE LID IS ON IN THE SECOND PICTURE!!!

Now to be fair, my doc told me I could stop my PIO injections at 6 weeks, as my progesterone came in at over 70. But me, being the controlling person I can be, asked if it would hurt anything to continue them every other day. My doc laughed and told me that no, it wouldn't hurt, but I really didn't need to do them.

I guess he also didn't understand that I already had three vials of Progesterone that I had paid for (out of pocket) sitting on my counter that I didn't want to waste.

Anywhoodles, this sharps container? It's going buh-bye. And my ass is so very, very thankful.

Who has two thumbs...

2011-10-30T12:55:00.001-05:00

And likes to keep things interesting?? I will give three guesses and the first two don't count!

At my appointment on Monday I got a prescription for Zofran so that I could maybe start functioning on the normal side of life.

Fast forward to Friday, I had no symptoms of nausea. No funky stomach, normal appetite, etc. And because you know me, I'm sure you know that this cued a freak out on my part. I was busy trying to figure out how to get in for another ultrasound when I had an idea. Well, stop taking all my anti-nausea stuff, of course! No more Zofran, B6 or unisom. Morning sickness should come back, reassure me, and all would be well, right? Rriiiigghhhtt.

So yesterday I get up, make breakfast, and proceed to get nauseous and throw up an hour later. Yay!! I think. Now I will just take my Zofran and be on my merry way. Except....things didn't work like that. I proceeded to throw up 13 more times over the course of the day. I couldn't even keep down ice chips.

So at 8:30 my dad hauled my butt to the ER to get some fluids and anti-nausea medication. Dumb Emily. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Moral of the story? Don't be a dumbass or you'll end up with pee that's almost brown from dehydration.

SOP

2011-10-28T08:09:00.000-05:00

Like many people, before we started our IVF journey we had to have an appointment to go over the nitty-grittys. When I would start meds, how they would relay information on changing dosages, what to expect, etc. They also went over the standard operating procedures of the clinic, ie. 3d vs 5d transfer, what embryos they freeze, etc. As we went through all of the details and paperwork, everything made sense. They usually did 5 day transfers to help generate the best possible outcome. They wouldn't freeze anything that didn't make it to blastocyst by day 5 or 6, probably to help boost positive FET cycles.

It all made sense. They were doing everything in their power to make sure that every woman had a positive cycle. Push out transfer to easily select the best embryos and only freeze what has the best chance at becoming a RLB*

But now that I've had time to reflect on my clinic's SOP, it doesn't sit very well with me. The day 5 thing I still understand. I totally get it. Unless it is a situation like mine, where it needs to be a 3 day transfer. I often wonder if my first IVF cycle would have resulted in a BFP if I had a 3 day transfer instead. When I got the call on day 2 of my first cycle, the embryologist didn't sound very positive. She didn't actually say anything negative, she just, well, sounded bad, if that makes any sense. When she called me on day 4, what should have been the day before my transfer, she made me very aware that things weren't looking good. If things weren't looking good, why didn't they tell me to get my butt in the car and drive up there right away? I know a 4 day transfer is highly, highly unusual, but if you don't suspect a ~~customer~~ patient will have anything to transfer on day 5, why not get them up there as soon as possible?

2nd item - freezing of embryos. Knowing what I know about my embies, I highly doubt that any from the 2nd IVF cycle would have made it to blast by day 5 or 6. So...they wouldn't have been frozen. Thinking about this makes me sick, knowing that they obviously had the capability to keep growing. Which begs the question, how many other of my embryos could have turned into RLB if given the chance in my ute?

Also? We were given the option of choosing to transfer back 2 or 3 embryos. We obviously chose 3, hoping that would up our chances of at least one sticking around. Knowing what we know now, if we had only chosen two, the last emby, which will *hopefully, omg* become a RLB, would have been discarded. I sometimes feel like we played God. We decided how many should continue to grow.

Currently, when I'm in between that fully awake and fully asleep time while laying in bed, I have thought that if we had frozen the 7 embryos from IVF 1 and the 12 remaining embryos from IVF 2 and transferred them all at their respective times, we could have ended up with 19 more children. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be the Du.ggars! But it creates so much inner conflict for me, wondering how many of my pathetic looking embryos could have gone on to become children.

So while I get why clinics do what they do, what happens when they get a patient like me? A patient that doesn't fit within the mold, whose embryos defy logic, and who proves science wrong? Should we fight harder to get the options we are more comfortable with? -In my case, freezing all embryos, regardless of cell number, fragmentation, or quality. Or should we continue to trust that our clinics really do have our best interest in mind, even when they might be wrong?

I don't have the answers. So leave me your feedback. I would love to hear what you have to say on this!

*You know....Real, Live Baby!

A tip-toe in

2011-10-24T18:39:00.001-05:00

I got to peek in to what a fertile person's world looks like today. I didn't full-on run in, slamming into things and drawing attention to myself. Just tip-toed in. Pretended like I was one of them, all the while hoping they wouldn't realize what a fake I am.

As I checked into my first OB appointment ever, I thought they might laugh at me. Or mistake the appointment as an follicle check, as that's why I'm usually there. Instead the gruff woman at the desk ~~yelled~~ said, "Name, doctor, and have you given a urine sample yet?"

"Um, uh, Emily, Newman, and no, I haven't yet."

"Hmmm...we don't have any paperwork on you. You sure you're pregnant?"

"I guess so? I was on Friday. I hope things haven't changed."

The lady at the desk threw some paperwork at me, grunted that I should fill it out, and they would call me when it was my turn. So I filled out the paperwork. And fought the urge to get up and run. I don't belong here. I shouldn't be sitting in an OB's office.

Instead I fiddled with my purse, pretended I had something very important on my phone, and hoped my heart wouldn't explode while I waited. Like a normal pregnant woman. In an OB's office. *Side note: My clinic was showing Judge Judy on the televisions in the waiting room. Mmmm...I love me some justice*

Finally they called my name, took my BP and weight. After a long talk with the doctor, she told me to get nekked and she would do an exam. I guess having had 8 people in lady land in the past year doesn't get you out of a pap? Whatev.

She does the exam, says everything looks good, and follow me to the ultrasound room. Um, yes please.

Heartrates are 156, 160 and 163 respectively. Three people ooed and aaahed over the babes. I tried to remind myself that this was a normal OB appointment.

I got dressed, was given an appointment for two weeks from now and sent on my merry way. Like a regular OB patient.

I hope they don't find out that I'm just an outsider, peeking in. I don't belong there. With the regular OB patients. At a regular OB office.

What has IF done to me?

2011-10-21T14:54:00.001-05:00

Today I am 7 weeks, 5 days.

Baby A, or "Tic", is measuring 7 weeks, 4 days.

Baby B, or "Tac", is measuring 8 weeks.

Baby C, or "Toe", is measuring 8 weeks, 1 day.

All with beautiful little flickers in their chests.

More tears of joy have never been shed than today.

My doctor said "you know you broke all the rules, right? You transferred 7 celled 3 day embryos, 2 of which were highly fragmented. This shouldn't have happened."

Well, doc, I've got a way with statistics.

Reflecting

2011-10-21T08:27:00.000-05:00

Last night, as I laid in bed willing myself to fall asleep on the eve of the biggest appointment of my life, to date, I reflected on what has brought us to this point. This journey has looked nothing like I thought it would when we started out.

At this point in time I expected to be a mother to at least two children, and probably working on my third. We were going to be done having kids by the time my husband turned 29. He will be 28 in two short weeks. So much for that.

But this path has brought me more positives than I can imagine. I love my husband deeper than I ever though possible. I trusted him when we got married, but now, every fiber in my being would turn my life over to him if I had to. I know how truly strong he is, I know how much he loves me, and I know that when the times get rough, he's not going anywhere.

Would I be able to say the same if we hadn't faced infertility and pregnancy loss? I don't know for sure, but I doubt it.

I also have met so many wonderful, amazing, strong women. Women who have endured trials and triumphs, and have continued on no matter what they faced. I've rejoiced with them over a positive and cried up to the heavens with their losses. I've made some friendships that will last a lifetime that I probably wouldn't have made otherwise.

Also, I used to be terrified of doctor's appointments/needles/anyonelookingatladyland. I was curious how many things we've gone through, so I made a list *surprise!* In ascending numberical order:
-one hysterosalpingogram
-one ectopic pregnancy
-one embryo transfer
-one bout with Hyperstimulation
-two shots of methotrexate
-two egg retrievals
-five femara pills
-ten clomid pills
-eleven different people looking at ladyland
-seventeen vaginal ultrasounds
-twenty-eight doctors appointments
-and 105 self-administered injections!

I know that this list is small in comparison to some people, but for a lady who was freaked out by the medical profession, this is a big deal for me!

Okay, time to hop in the car. My car isn't going to drive the 180 miles to my clinic by itself. See ya on the flip side?!

My list

2011-10-20T08:17:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be a pregnant fertile? To see a positive pregnancy test, jump up and down, and immediately begin buying things/telling people/being annoying? To be blissfully unaware of all the things that *might* go wrong? I wonder what it is like to try for two months, get that positive, and pop out a perfect, healthy baby nine months later?

Instead, I feel like most infertiles approach pregnancy as a series of hurdles they must clear, each a bit more daunting than the last. Yes, we are all working toward that ellusive BFP, but once you reach that goal, it is just the beginning of a whole new journey. My "hurdle" list looks ~~something~~ exactly like this-

-Get BFP
-Lines getting darker on tests, thus avoiding a chemical
-Accurately rising betas
-See something on a ultrasound (fetal pole, yolk sac), thus avoiding a blighted ovum
-Cardiac activity
-Maintain cardiac activity
-Make it past 12 weeks
-Avoid incompetent cervix
-Try not to get the diabetus and pre-e
-Make it to 24 weeks
-Anything after this is just icing on the cake
-Oh yeah, give birth to a living, breathing, screaming, pooping baby

Is it sad that *if* we see a heartbeat tomorrow that my biggest goal is to make it 24 weeks? And I know, I know, 24 weeks doesn't guarantee a living child, but the percentages look good enough for me.

Instead of pregnancy becoming a joyous occasion and something that we can finally embrace (now that we've finally got it) I feel like too many of us approach pregnancy as a checklist.

"Hmmm.... let's see. Positive pee stick? Check. Pee stick getting darker? Check. Betas rising? Check. Now if we could see something on an ultrasound...."

I'm a list girl and I always have been. In college, if I got really stressed, I would make lists just so I could scratch things off. During finals, I literally made a list every day that said what I had to do. And yes, I included taking a shower and eating on my list. Because it just felt so. damn. good. to cross something off my list. So while I may be a little more excited about this whole shenanigan after we get out of the 1st trimester, I certainly won't be celebrating anything until I reach 24 weeks.

Because my list won't be done, damnit.

Oh, ya know, same ol' same ol'

2011-10-17T21:34:00.000-05:00

Just hanging. Can't believe I'm already in the second quarter at my new school. That's right, we are on week 10 of school here in good ol' I-O-Way.

I found out tonight that my principal decided to tell my school board my news? Because it was his to share? Whatev. What's done is done. I just hope he is okay with retracing his steps and re-telling everyone he told if my news should change. Let's hope it doesn't, but yeah.

I'm "on-call" for my ultrasound this week. My doctor is the one performing procedures at my clinic, so we were told to pick three days that would work for us this week and they would call us 48 hours before our appointment to give us a time. WELL, we didn't get a call today, so I guess my ultrasound isn't going to be on Wednesday. Maybe I'll get a call tomorrow and my ultrasound will be Thursday? Actually, scratch that. I think I would rather have my appointment on Friday, so that way if the news is sucky-sucky I don't have to fight my way through a school day right away. Instead I can drink away the weekend? Ah, poopsickles, why am I jumping way ahead of myself?

Nausea has been reduced. I'm not sure if it's because it has actually gotten better or because I started a B6/Unisom regimine as instructed by my clinic. They told me that this helps most women gain control of their nausea. *Side note: Did you know that Unisom was actually originally marketed as a nausea reducer for pregnant women? Yeah, me neither. They actually changed the marketing for it when they realized it was making everyone fall asleep* I've been contemplating stopping taking it, just to see how bad the nausea would be when/if it came back, but it's hard to have to continually run out on a group of kindergarteners.

Still reading e'erbody's blogs. Not commenting much, because I don't know what to say. Except that I really do love you guys and I wish you all the greatest happiness and joy in the world. Oh, and chocolate. I wish you chocolate. And mashed potatoes. And pizza.

I'm out

2011-10-15T07:31:00.000-05:00

Ya know how I debated and debated on whether to tell people how we were doing? Well...in the end, I didn't really get to decide.

Thursday morning, as I'm tossing my cookies into a porcelain throne in one of the bathrooms at school, I hear one of my students say, "Mrs. Mylastname, is that you?"

BALLS! I think. What do I do? Ignore them? Try and change my voice so they think I'm a student? "Throw" my voice to the hallway so it sounds like I'm outside? Stand on the toilet?

I don't respond, thinking maybe they'll go away. "Are you okay? Are you....throwing up?"

So what now? I tell them it's actually explosive diarrhea causing me to gag? That I'm on my knees facing the toilet because I'm cleaning it? Ah hell, I've got to say something!!

"Uh...I'm fine. Don't worry about it. My stomach is just a little upset."

Fast forward a few hours and I've got high school choir. One of the girls from before asks me, very loudly, what was going on. I repeat my answer of an upset stomach. Then she ~~screams~~ says "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE PREGNANT."

Now I'm a bad liar. Like, major sucky. I can't lie about anything. So I try and stammer a response, which only leads to more ~~screaming~~ questions about a possible pregnancy. I don't respond, so they figured it out.

Then one of them says, "It's probably something cool, like twins or something." I once again fumble my way through a response, but they saw right through it. I didn't give them the whole history because, well, I think that is a little inappropriate to be sharing with students. But once my high schoolers knew, I figured I kinda had to tell the other adults in my life that have been supportive.

So there ya have it. Shoved out into the open by my own doing.

Side note - It's SO hard to act cool coming out of a bathroom stall when everyone in there knows what you were just doing!

Broken

2011-10-13T16:49:00.000-05:00

If you have a minute, please go over to ADSchill's blog.

This woman lost her twins at 20 weeks.

I'm so incredibly broken for her. I was completely shocked to read this news.

I can't wrap my head around the fact that such terrible things happen to good people.

Double Edged Sword

2011-10-12T07:48:00.000-05:00

Going through this whole IVF process, I was very open with people. If people asked how things were going, I would tell them. My reasoning was two-fold. 1. I didn't want to have to do it alone. I didn't want to have to face the rollercoaster of IVF without others there to hold my hand. Sure, they didn't understand the enormity of the whole thing, but they were there to give encouragement and a listening ear. AND 2. Why should I have to hide what we did? Why should I be ashamed that we did IVF? Most people don't have to do it, but I did. I'm not going to hang my head in embarrassment. Other people need to be informed about what it takes for some people to have a baby, and that it isn't okay to ask about other's family building plans.

Being so open about the whole process leading up to ER and ET has since become a double edged sword. People know when we should get our results, even though we were purposely vague. When will you find out if it worked? Oooohhh... a couple weeks.

So anywhoodles, fast forward to now. People want to know. And I can't bring myself to tell them. A conversation usually goes something like this.

Interested Person "So, have you found out yet? Did it work?"
Me "What? I have no idea what you are talking about....."
IP "You know, that IFV thing. Or was it FIV? Whatever, you know what I mean"
Me "Well, actually.... OOOOH, SOMETHING SHINY!!" *~~runs~~ walks semi-quickly away before they even notice I'm gone. Cus I'm stealth. Like a ninja*

I did have one conversation that I couldn't get out of because I was backed in to a corner, literally. Have you ever seen Liar, Liar with Jim Carrey? You know that part where he wants to say the pen is red, but it's actually blue? That was me.

Other Person "So, did it work? Are you pregnant?
Me "Believe it or not, I'm pree.....prr.......prreee.......pppp.... We had a positive blood test."

Being so open during the whole process was refreshing, but now it has come back to bite me in the backside. I'm not ready to say those words out loud. I'm not ready to share any news, so that I don't have to retrace my steps and retell everyone if something terrible were to happen. So in the meantime, I think I will just keep shiny objects in my pocket to distract any potential inquirers.

Hey look! Is that a quarter on the ground........???

2011-10-09T18:54:00.000-05:00

Scared.
Excited.
Nervous.
Scared.
Anxious.
Amazed.
Scared.
Hopeful.
Scared.

Yeah. That's how things are going. About a million things have been flying around in my head since Friday. Between Friday and Saturday I think I got about two hours of sleep. Too many things to think about.

Two main thoughts occupy the majority of my thinking.

1. Should we have been able to see more at the ultrasound? I was 5 weeks 5 days after all. We were able to see a yolk sac in all of the gestational sacs. The ultrasound tech measured what she called a fetal pole in the two larger sacs, but my doc said that it was too early to take a CRM measurment. Should we have been able to take a CRM measurement at 5 weeks 5 days? Was my Hcg, which was very low for trips, low because they aren't doing well and aren't going to develop heartbeats? Was the writing on the wall that we aren't going to see anything in two weeks, but they didn't want to tell us?

and on the complete, bi-polar flip side-

2. What if all three continue to grow? Will I be able to carry them long enough to reach viability? Will I have to go on bedrest really early? How long will I be able to continue to work? How do I explain to my students that I'm not bailing on them, even though it probably feels like it since it is my first year at this school? What if we can't find daycare? Should I quit my job? How could we exist as a family of five on just my hubs income?

So you can see, my head is a pretty messed up place to be.

I know that whether we have three, two, or one child, we will be fine. But I'm still so terrified that we won't see a heartbeat/heartbeats in two weeks. How, in the name of Evan.der Hol.yfie.ld's ea.r, am I going to make it two weeks until the next ultrasound?

Cheese and Rice.

the whole story

2011-10-07T14:45:00.001-05:00

Discalimer: I'm typing this on my cell phone, so I probably won't got back and correct any mispellings.

SO, we get to my RE's office and get ushered back very quickly. I get ready and the ultrasound tech, along with my RE come in. He tells me that since I'm not quite six weeks that we shouldn't expect to see a heartbeat. I already knew this, so I wasn't surprised. He then tells me that he is just checking to make sure that everything landed in the correct spot and that we didn't have an ectopic.

The U/S tech starts the ultrasound and the RE says "well, I can see the sacs in the uterus, so we know there aren't any in the tubes.". Hubs says "SacS? Plural?". The ultrasound tech then proceeds to measure each one, showing all three to us. All three had a yolk sack and the beginnings of a fetal pole.

One of them is about half the size of the other two, so our doc told us not to be surprised if we didn't see a heartbeat on the small one in two weeks. But still? All. Three. Have hung on this far.

I know that my chances of walking away from this whole experience with triplets is very, very small. That thought breaks my heart and gives me a sigh of relief at the same time. BUT if we do end up with three I will be overjoyed.

No matter what happens, today my heart is singing. Today I've still got all of my babies with me.

I had played out every scenario I could think of in my head. This was not one of them. Now we just wait some more, and pray, pray, pray, that we get to see some hearts beating away in two weeks.

2011-10-07T12:34:00.001-05:00

Ummmm...you guys?

I just left my ultrasound. Nothing ectopic. But there were sacs. And beginnings of fetal poles. Three of them.

No heartbeats yet.
Go back in two weeks to see how many keep going.

Disbelief? Uh...yeah.

Ooohhh... phlebotomy

2011-10-06T12:13:00.001-05:00

I've got a favorite phlebotomist. It's true. I *heart* her. Whenever I go in to my clinic and I see her, my heart skips a beat in delight. She's always so cheery and just so darn good at her job! And with my sometimes stubborn veins, the fact that she usually gets me on the first poke makes me grin.

The other woman that works there? Kinda cheery, still pretty nice, but just not as good at getting a good poke. And even when she does get a good poke, she somehow leaves a trail of carnage behind her. I usually look like a druggy for a while after I see her. Judge and Jury, I would like to enter in Exhibit A:

This is from a blood draw last Friday. I took the picture about 20 minutes ago. Eeek! It's no wonder kids were starting to look at me a little funny! I look like a straight up crack hooker!

More PIO tips?

2011-10-06T09:13:00.000-05:00

Ugh, ladies, this shot is going to be the death of me!

For a while my PIO was smooth sailing. I would ice a little beforehand, heat the oil just a little bit so it had more viscosity, hubs would inject away, and then he would rub the area with a heating pad for a while to help distribute the oil. Life. Was. Good.

And then something happened. What? I don't know. But somehow, something is affecting the nerves in my lower back/leg. I will be walking and all of a sudden will get an intense shooting pain down my left leg, mostly thigh area. It hurts to the point that I have to stop walking for a couple of seconds.

Any idea what this could be? Or what could be causing it? How to avoid it?

Maybe we are injecting in to the wrong area or something. I read about women who have no pain associated with these shots, while my butt is throbbing just sitting at my desk.

IF tomorrow goes well, I'm going to ask the nurse/doctor what it could be. I've never heard of someone else dealing with something like this.

Change of plans

2011-10-03T12:21:00.000-05:00

In order to get my bloodtest last Friday I knew I would have to remind my clinic that I have had a previous ectopic. When I asked for the bloodwork, I told them that I was worried because of my previous pregnancy and that a third beta would help put my mind at ease.

As a result, not only did they order the bloodwork last Friday, but I just found out that I will also have an ultrasound THIS Friday! While I know it will be too early to see a heartbeat, I am crossing my fingers that we will be able to see a sac and fetal pole.

I'm excited and scared to death at the same time. I just keep thinking about last time around, when I went to have an ultrasound and saw my black hole of a uterus with nothing in it. I just can't imagine what I will do if that happens again. Please, oh please let us see something in four days!

Body Image

2011-10-03T08:30:00.000-05:00

If you've been following me for a bit, you might remember that earlier this year I worked my ass off. No, really, I took up running and lost 45 pounds. And let me nip something in the bud -

-I freakin' HATED running! Whenever I said that I had become a runner people would say "Oh, I could never do that. I don't like to run." Oh yeah? Well ME NEITHER! Every step was pure agony. I hated the feeling while I was running, I hated the way I felt after I ran, ~~and I hated the way the ladies bounced on every. single. step~~. Whoops. Pretend you didn't read that!

So anywoodles, I was able to work myself down to a weight that I hadn't seen in a very long time. Like, high school years. I was feeling really good about myself and was wearing clothing in sizes I didn't think I would ever wear again.

Fast forward to IVF #1. My doctor told me I could continue running until I start stims, so I did. I was lucky enough to escape the entire process having gained only a pound. After reading so many horror stories of women gaining 10, 15, 20 pounds in a cycle, I was determined to keep the weight at bay.

IVF #2? A ccoooommpllleeetteeellyy different story. First off, I never really started running again between my two IVF's, mostly because we had cancelled our gym membership and, well, have you ever been to Iowa at the end of July/beginning of August? Let's just say the temperature's that are talked about in Hades don't scare me.

So I wasn't running. School had started so I wasn't following the eating plan that I had been all summer. Cue 8 pounds of bloat. Well, I'm calling it bloat. It's probably just fat. Let a girl dream, k? Then cue positive test. I haven't gain any weight, but man, I don't feel so little anymore.

And yesterday I went to put on one of my favorite pair of pants from my "skinny" days earlier this year and let's just say that I'm not going to be zipping them any time soon.

At the beginning of this year I would have been thrilled to be the size that I am now. But coming from a sveltier Emily, I'm having a harder time accepting that the scale might hit the numbers that I saw before. You know, back when people played the "Pregnant or Fat?" game on me.

But at least this time the answer will *hopefully* be pregnant.

*Please know that I will accept any and all weight granted to me by the fat gods if it means I get a healthy baby out of this. It's just going to take a little getting used to.*

879!!!

2011-09-30T13:40:00.000-05:00

879!

Doubled plus 19 in two days. Okay, sigh of relief.

Thank you for keeping me from going over the edge. Loves to you.

2011-09-30T10:43:00.000-05:00

No news yet, but I am so apprehensive.

We want this baby so badly.

Please, PLEASE, let my follow-up beta today be a good one. I've prayed and hoped and asked other people to pray for us, all asking god for a reassuring beta today. And I also hope that the call comes sooner than 3pm, like it did on Wednesday. I am so freakin' bad at waiting.

Riding the fence

2011-09-29T10:06:00.002-05:00

I need your advice ladies, because I'm completely undecided.

Do I call and get another beta tomorrow/Monday? Or do I just assume that everything is going to be fine, and even if it isn't, a beta tomorrow isn't going to change anything?

If you would have asked me yesterday - YES, I wanted a beta again on Friday. But today? I'm not so sure.

If I got Friday's numbers and they were a thousand, of course that would give me peace of mind. But what if I got a blood draw tomorrow and the results were in the 600's? I think I would be in panic mode more than I already am.

I don't know what to do! I'm going to assume that if my doc didn't want a beta again until next Wednesday he thinks everything is fine? Or maybe he already assumes the worst and doesn't want to worry me? I wish I could get into his mind!

And just to clear things up... my next beta is currently schedule for WEDNESDAY, not Monday. An entire week away. Booo

After reading all your comments, I think I agree with Adinadout the most, and have had the orders faxed to my clinic for a blood draw tomorrow. If I get a great number then I will have nothing to worry about over the weekend. If I get a higher but not doubling number I'm no worse off than I am now. And if it hasn't risen hardly at all/has dropped, well, then, I know how it's going to end. No matter what the results are, I think I will feel better having more of an answer than I currently do. What can I say? I have absolutely no patience!

Anxious

2011-09-28T07:31:00.001-05:00

You guys, I'm so anxious/nervous I could poop.

On Monday when I got the beta number I was pretty excited. But you know how the life of an infertile is. I rode that positivity bandwagon for approximately, oohhh, 30 seconds before I started doubting again. What if the number was so high because it was triplets that aren't doing well? What if the number doesn't rise appropriately? How will we get through another miscarriage? We will have to move on to adoption because I can't see us going through another IVF. How will we pay for that? ALL OF THIS from a great beta of 276 on 15 dpo.

And at the same time, my head keeps telling me that this is going to be our takehome baby(ies). My head's all "Yep, time to start a college savings fund and buy a minivan" while my heart just keeps thinking "It's a positive test, that's all. No baby, just a positive test. We've been here before."

So the only thought that is running through my head today is my beta number. I'm willing the clocks at school to move faster so that I can get the call from my clinic. I'm praying for something above 500. In the mean time, how the F do I get myself to calm down? It's not like I can change the outcome of this. It will either turn out well or it won't. And I'm doing everything I can to get a positive outcome.

Oh jeebus, I have a feeling that today is going to crawl by. And my stomach is going to be in my throat all morning. Is that morning sickness? Or have I actually anxietied (not a word. I just toootallly made that up) myself into a vomity state?

PS - I will be updating this post later today with the beta number. Check back sometime after 2ish CST.

Beta was 430. A doubling time of 75 hours. Repeat bloodwork in a WEEK. WHY can nothing ever just be straightforward with me?

Ummmmm......

2011-09-26T14:10:00.001-05:00

HFS.

15 dpo, 6 am this morning.

Hcg = 276

HFS.

And side note - It was my RE who called me, NOT a nurse. Talking to a fellow IF'er who went to same clinic, apparently that is crazy unusual. Omg.

Two updates

2011-09-25T10:10:00.002-05:00

First off, guess who is the proud owner of a Canon Rebel T3i? Me! Yay!! I'm so excited I could wet my pants! Now to figure out how to really work the thing.

The second update? I've been POAS since Friday morning. On today's test, the test line is the same color as the control line. At 14 dpo. Maybe this is really it? Beta tomorrow.

Bummer

2011-09-24T05:56:00.000-05:00

When I logged on this morning to check my reader and my bloggy friends, I noticed that I've lost 2 readers in the past day. My first reaction was "Wow, that really sucks. Wonder what's up?" and then I realized, oh yeah, I've become one of those bloggers.

You know the ones. The title of their blog is something indicating that they are going through an infertility journey. You get excited as you click over to their page, thinking that you might have found a new person to connect with. Then the page loads and smacks you right in the face with pregnancy/baby stuff. You then curse at the blogger, call her a dirty whore, and vow never to return to her page.

I've been there before. Followed bloggers religiously. Commented on their journeys every step of the way. Cheered them through egg retrievals, transfers, ups and downs. And then they get a positive, I post the obligatory Congratulations post, and then I find it hard to revisit the page. It's not that these women aren't deserving of this, but that it was just far too painful for me to see the progress these women were making, knowing that I might never be in the same place.

I want you all to know that I understand if you need to leave. I truly do. And I understand if you can't comment anymore.

But please know that this blog isn't going to become weekly pregnancy updates and posts about all things baby. I have absolutely nothing against people who transition their blogs from their infertility/babyloss journey into a pregnancy journey and then a parenting journey. To each their own. But that isn't my style. IF (omg, I'm so jaded) this pregnancy makes it out of the beginning stages into something bigger, I will be moving to a different blog. That's not to say that I won't post here anymore, not at all! I've got SO much more on my mind regarding infertility than I haven't yet blogged about (insurance coverage, time off available from work, the stigma surrounding IF, etc) and I will forever need all of you lovely ladies. And I want to cheer you on as you continue on your path. But know that "A Peek into our Journey" isn't going to be filling your reader or dashboard with "Week 12: Momma feels like...." (and please, I truly don't mind people who do this. Like I said, just not my style)

Until we get some affirmation that this will work out, I will still be here. Scared out of my damn mind. Hoping that this progresses while wishing I could give you the same gift.

Sooo...

2011-09-23T08:28:00.002-05:00

First hurdle cleared. First beta isn't until Monday. I've never prayed so much for a rising beta in my life!

Side note: I have GOT to get a good camera. This cell phone stuff is getting goofy!

Edited to Add: I don't mean to be so casual and flippant about getting a positive. I KNOW there are women who have spent years doing treatments without ever getting to see this sight. I just know, as well as anybody, that this positive doesn't necessarily equal a baby. I hope and pray with everything I am that it does become our takehome baby, but right now I'm just so incredibly guarded.

I also apologize profusely to any person who came here and just got sucker-punched in the gut by this. I'm so, so sorry.

You makin' me a crazy lady!

2011-09-22T11:00:00.001-05:00

Progesterone-

We've got some issues that I think need to be dealt with head on. I've been putting this off for as long as I possibly can, but some things just need to be said.

First off, a 2 inch needle in my butt? Can you think of no other really effective way to work? Come on, I know you've got a very important job to do, but there has. got. to be a better way to get the job done. I know, I know, you also come in pill and suppository form. But my RE doesn't think you do your job as well that way. So I vote that you put together a five minute power point on either a)why the pill or suppository form of you is just as good OR b)another form that you can be administered. And let's nix the needles that could nick an organ, k?

Secondly, progesterone, you are driving me crazy with your side effects. If it could be a pregnancy symptom, it is also conveniently a side effect that you have. You make it SO HARD to determine if the tiredness, sore boobs and strange feeling lady parts I have are because of you or because I've got be some behbehs growing. I second guess everything I'm feeling because it could be something fantastic OR it could just be you, sitting in a corner, pointing your progesterony finger at me and laughing.

And lastly, you are giving me the STRANGEST dreams. As if it isn't bad enough that you invade my daily life, you have to enter the lovely world of dreamland also? Nope, pick one. You get my waking hours or my sleeping hours. Not both.

Basically, progesterone, you are making me ONE CRAZY LADY! I mean, I will keep you around for two more months if I need to, but I think you could back off a little bit, if ya know what I'm saying.

Sincerely,
A lady with a love/hate relationship with you

It's that time again!

2011-09-21T07:50:00.000-05:00

Why, it's ICLW time again! I have to say, I absolutely love this week. It's like Christmas, but better, because instead of presents I get NEW BLOGGY FRIENDS *and you get a bloggy friend, and you get a bloggy friend. We're all getting new bloggy friends!!!* (ala Oprah style...yes?)

If you haven't read the little caption off to the side or my timeline, here it is in a nutshell.
Started TTC as soon as we got married, June 2008
Two round of Clomid produced an "ectopic" pregnancy
Lots of waiting while my last douschebag doctor decided to take a sixth month leave of absence
Was told I needed a lap, which wasn't covered by my insurance
Said to hell with it all and moved to IVF this summer
First round produced 18 eggs with NO embryos to transfer (wth...still)
Second round produced 19 eggs with 3 7-celled embies on a day 3 transfer, the rest arrested (again, wth?)
Currently in the 2ww, trying not to punch any small children in the face while I deal with the ups and downs.

I like peanut butter, pandora.com, belting whatever happens to be playing on the radio, being completely random and snuggling my pooch. Oh, and my hubs. And my blog friends. And socks.

So, that's that. What do I need to know about you?

2ww, testing, and signs?

2011-09-20T12:41:00.001-05:00

First off, the 2ww. I'm happily *semi* ignoring it right now. Luckily school is keeping me busy and entertained and I've got enough knitting projects to keep my hands and mind busy while I'm at home. I'm already 9 days in and doing just fine. However, I'm sure I will have a different story at the end of the week? Maybe? It IS homecoming week at my school, so maybe the homecoming festivities on Friday will keep me from losing my mind.

I've had a few people ask me if I'm going to test early. The short answer is: I have no idea. What I do know is this - I have 3 FRER in my cupboard and I'm not going to buy anymore. I also know that I will be testing Monday morning before my beta. I want to be prepared for bad news, so I don't get a call at work that sends me in to a tailspin (like the call about my moved-up 3 day transfer did.) Hubs wants me to start testing on Saturday, but I'm not so sure. I like not having crushing disappointment bearing down on me. Knowing me I will probably give in and test Saturday and Sunday mornings also, but then again, I could change my mind.

And lastly, I don't usually take stock in *signs*. Too often I feel like they are just coincidences that we like to read in to. That said, here's my story -

It's no secret that we want to name our first son Noah. Both my husband and I have always wanted to name a son that, so it quickly became our number one choice.

About a month ago, right before I started stims, I went riding with my hubs while he was working (he's a police officer) We were sitting on a county road overlooking the interstate, clocking drivers, when I look up and see two of the most vivid rainbows I have ever seen. The strange thing was, it hadn't been raining! Two of them, side by side. I pointed them out to my husband and he said, "Maybe this is God telling us not to worry. That he made a promise to care for us, and that he is going to bring our own Noah into our lives." I 'bout lost it then.

Fast forward to this morning. I was driving to work and it was misting. I was thinking about this whole IVF cycle, how not fun it really was, and then I thought "Ya know, it would just be nice to know. Either way. Whether it did work or whether it didn't. I just wish I didn't have to sit in limbo for two weeks. It would be nice to have a sign or something (yes, I know I said I don't believe in signs)" I look out the window to my left and BAM

It's kinda hard to see in this cell phone quality picture, but to the right of the bright rainbow is a second rainbow. TWO RAINBOWS! AGAIN! I can't believe what I'm seeing, so I stared at these for about five miles, before I had to turn and head a different direction. So I turn and the rainbows should be in my rearview mirror, right? WRONG! They were gone. I was heading north when I saw them, looked at them for five miles, then turned east and went to look in my rearview mirror and they were gone. And not just out of my sight. I actually turned my entire head around and the FREAKIN' RAINBOWS WERE GONE! What. the. crap.

So I don't know if that was the Big Guy upstairs trying to tell me something, but if it wasn't, well, weird.

Aaaand lumpy butt

2011-09-18T08:51:00.001-05:00

Anybody have any hints regarding PIO?

Right now we have a rice socks that we heat up ahead of time. I pull up the amount of PIO I need and wrap it up in the sock so that it heats up a bit. I switch out needles, hubs pulls the skin taut and injects away. After pulling it out he sticks the alchohol swab back on it to stop any bleeding, then puts the warm sock on the site and rubs for a while. I then lay there for another 10-15 mins with the warm sock on my butt.

But my backside now has the strangest feeling to it! The skin seems kinda numb while the tissue underneath is just so damn tender. Even though I called it lumpy butt, I don't have any actual lumps yet.

What could I do differently to make this better? Or is this just the nature of the shot?

My half numb, kinda swollen, very tender butt/hip thanks you!

Meet my kids

2011-09-15T20:38:00.001-05:00

Sorry I didn't get a picture of all three. The third one was running late, couldn't find his shoes, hadn't even finished breakfast and the bus was already here, so I had to snap a pic while the getting was good.

The ultrasounds on the left show the bright spot where they embies actual went in. The large black hole on the top of the pictures on my left is my bladder, which was about to explode on the Doc's face.

So there ya have it. I think they have my cheeks.

2011-09-14T15:08:00.002-05:00

Well, we made it through transfer!

We transferred 3 7-celled embryos, one grade 2 and the other two grade 3. My clinic grade embryos 1 through 3, with 1 being the best. So, they aren't the best, but there is still a chance.

Side note, as this is our first transfer, I was very surprised and how uncomfortable it was. I knew I had to have a full bladder, but when the doc put the speculum in and opened it up I about peed all over his face. For serious. I. Had. To. Pee.

Now I'm on to 48 hours of bedrest, as required by my clinic. I'm stocked up on movies, magazines and knitting (yes, I knit. Don't judge!)

Snuggle in babies. You are wanted so badly.

Deja freakin' vu

2011-09-13T12:21:00.000-05:00

Ladies, I need your prayers. Badly.

I got off the phone with the embryologist and according to her our embryos "look just okay." When I questioned her more she said that they "didn't look good" when they looked at them this morning.

Out of the 19 retrieved, 15 were mature. ALL 15 fertilized with ICSI and began dividing. But when they checked on them this morning they just didn't look good. I've been pushed up to a 3 day transfer, tomorrow, at noon.

Now I know some of your clinics routinely do 3 day transfers, but mine doesn't. In fact, my clinic tries to avoid them at all costs. I'm sure some of it has to do with success rates and statistics, but whatever the case, they just don't do them. So the fact that my clinic has pushed me up is a big deal.

Even though I didn't have a good feeling about this, this news is still a punch to the gut. The worst part is that I have to continue teaching today, like nothing is wrong, when all I really want to do is cry. A lot.

Shit.

Don't. Just.....don't

2011-09-12T21:25:00.000-05:00

Logging on to facebook tonight(why do I go on this? I'm addicted. It's like crack), the first thing I saw was a "friend" of mine's status: "*Daughter* is driving me nuts tonight! I just want to be able to watch my show in piece!"

In my estrogen fueled rage, I started chatting with her and commented "Don't take your child for granted. Cherish the fact that you have a child, love her every second that you get, and shut the damn TV off and spend some time with her."

She, of course, was taken aback and then begin telling me about how motherhood was the hardest thing she has ever done, how it is the hardest thing that anyone could do, and how I wouldn't know because I'm not a mom. That the life I'm living now is completely selfish because I don't have to care for another life, and that if I did I would understand why she needed some time away from her child.

And ya know what? I get it. I know that motherhood isn't all rainbows and unicorns. I get that confetti doesn't shoot out your ass the moment you have a child. There are late nights, early mornings, and your time is no longer your own. And there is nothing that I want more than that.

If I would have been within driving distance, you can bet I would have absolutely, possibly, maybe driven to her house and beat her across the face with a potholder, because I'm cool like that. But instead I just responded, "I'm going to hell and back for a chance to have what you have. I would cut my right arm off (my dominant hand, no less) to have a child looking up at me, depending on me. I would sell my damn TV, not giving it a second thought. Why? Because once I have a child, nothing matters as much as they do. And I won't ever forget that. So don't complain about how you don't get a minute to yourself. And don't complain about how difficult motherhood is. You have NO IDEA how difficult my childless journey has been, and you have no right to compare your life with mine. The next time you want to complain how much your life sucks, don't. Just....don't. You are so lucky."

I might lose some mom readers over the post. I understand that. And I know that I have no idea how difficult being a mom is. But NOTHING pisses me off more than someone complaining how hard being a mom is. Don't we know that going in? Does no one else realize that as soon as you push out a baby that your mornings of sleeping in are gone? And that you may or may not have time to take a shower/vacuum/make homemade noodles?

And my biggest pet peeve? IF'ers who pop out a baby and forget what it was like to be in the trenches. Remember when you would give your big toes for your baby? 'Cus I do.

For the record, I'm sure I'll read this tomorrow and see how it was written in a horomone induced rage. So my apologies. But you can't control a woman all hyped up on estrogen without chocolate. Just sayin'

A recap

2011-09-11T18:36:00.000-05:00

Now that I no longer feel like my vagina is going to fall out of my body, I thought I would give you a more thorough walk through of my morning...

So we walk into the clinic at 6:30 on the dot. All of the lights were off, with the exception of one lone bulb over the desk. My husband, annoyed already that we had to be there that early, says "Hello? Hello? Anyone here? What the crap. Seriously?" Turns out that yes, there was a nurse there. A. nurse. One. Ha!

So she walks us back to the IVF Suite, get me set up and ready to go {wearing my lucky socks :)}. Finally other people start showing up and my anesthesiologist comes and talks to me, the Dr. comes in to talk to me, and off I go. I had asked my anesthesiologist (hereone referred to as Nice Lady) not to use a specific vein on my left arm, as it is cuhrazy bruised and painful. When I get in to the OR, Nice Lady goes after my right arm. Pokes, prods, pokes again, then apologizes profusely. She can't get any vein in my right arm to work. On to the bruised lefty we go. First poke and Nice Lady's in! Before I know it, I'm out, procedure is done and I start waking up.

The biggest difference between my retreival in July and this one was the pain. Oh, the pain! As I was waking up I was caught in intense, intense pain. I remember waking up and just saying "Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch." Oh. My. Gawd. It hurt! So I get loaded up with Morphine!

20 minutes later, I'm getting dressed and on my way home. And doped up.

For some reason, this one was so painful! I can't figure out what the difference would be. We only got one more egg than last time, so it shouldn't be that. It was a different doctor, but I wouldn't think that would make much difference? Who knows?

Anywhoodles, now we wait on pins and needles, praying that the eggs begin dividing and that we get a fantastic fertilization report on Tuesday.

19

2011-09-11T09:58:00.001-05:00

We are starting this journey with 19 eggs. Right now I am so incredibly grateful for these 19, and I pray that one of thinks that we would be kick ass parents and decides to stick around for a while. I will write more later, when I don't feel like my vagina and ovaries are going to fall out from between my legs. Love to you!

Sock It To Me! (the post where I write a novel)

2011-09-10T08:20:00.000-05:00

Way back at the end of July I headed to the The Smartness and signed up for the Sock It to Me! exchange. It's basically a way for IF'ers to support each other, by sending and receiving warm fuzzies, in the form of socks! I filled out the form as fast as I could, because really, who doesn't love to send other people a package and/or get a pair of socks in the mail.

I was lucky enough to get assigned to Tati, a wonderful blogger who has some fanstastic insights. I'm so glad I found her because she has really made me think about some things and I probably wouldn't have stumbled on her any other way. (And Tati, I really hope you forgive me for the ghe-tto packaging. I wanted to send them to you right away!) Go over and check her out.

A few days after I dropped my package in the mail for Tati, I got these fantastical things:

Jes G made my heart happy when I opened these up. How can you not smile when checking these out?

SO ANYWHOODLES: Part of the SITM Exchange was to post a pic and then blog on this question - It has been roughly a year and a half since the last SITM Exchange. Reflect on the past 18 or so months – how has support from others, either in the blogosphere or otherwise, helped you?

In real, everyday, face to face life, I feel like I have little support on this journey. Sure, people care and ask how we are doing, but besides that they don't really know what to say. And I don't blame them. How could they know what to say? Most people don't know what it is to grieve for a baby you've never met. Or how we could feel such intense pain from a failed cycle.

I don't blame these people. I'm not angry with the fact that, somedays, I feel like I'm doing this alone. Because they can't know what this journey is like.

But I also feel like it is so incredibly unfair of me to say that I am going at this alone. Because I am so not. Besides my husband, I've got 87 other women cheering me on. 87 of you have decided that you want to rally behind me and support me on this journey. To say that this is humbling is an understatement.

When I posted this I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to move forward from such devestating news. But 26 (26!) women had encouraging words for me. If we would have all been in a room together, I like to think that they all would have hugged me and just let me cry. They would have commiserated with me on how freakin' unfair infertility is. They would have understood exactly what I meant when I said that I missed those babies, even though I never even saw a picture of my seven embryos. Because those were my children, and I loved them from the moment I heard "Well, seven fertilized..."

To say that your support has been helpful to me doesn't even begin to touch on how much you all mean to me. And how much I need you.

Thank you. For being my bloggy friends, for providing me with encouraging words when I'm in the midst of a pity party, and for giving me a good kick in the ass when I just need to shut up and move on. Don't tell anyone else, but I've got THE BEST followers. And no, you can't have them. They are all mine :)

Trigger tonight

2011-09-09T14:18:00.002-05:00

At 7:30. Which means we have to be at our clinic at 6:30 on Sunday morning. Oof!

And again?

2011-09-09T08:12:00.001-05:00

Had yet another monitoring appt this morning. Lining is holding steady at 13. Still lots of follicles. I didn't pay attention to their sizes because at this point I don't really care. I remember, however that lefty was an overachiever with a follicle at a whopping 27.

The nurse I talked to today said I was to hold of on my stim meds because my E2 was crazy high. I didn't ask for the exact number because, again, I don't really care what it was since I can't do anything about it. I guess that the results of my blood test will determine whether I trigger tonight or tomorrow. If my E2 hasn't fallen some I would be at a large risk of majorly hyperstimming.

Yes, I do want what would give us the best chance at this working, but right now I'm so ready to be done with this. I'm so uncomfortable and grouchy. And apparently, whiney.

I know, ladies, I know. Two days ago I said I wanted to hold off on triggering and now I'm not happy that I got what I asked for. But I also now feel like a positive is so out of reach that I just want off this roller coaster.

Thanks for putting up with me when I'm not feeling so chipper, and please excuse me while I go cry, as a method of coping with my insanely high estrogen.

Another day? Edited

2011-09-08T14:36:00.000-05:00

My ultrasound this morning led the nurse to believe that I will trigger tomorrow night, NOT tonight. Good news as that's one day longer to make some good eggs.

11 follicles at 18 or larger, 8 more right on the edge of being mature. Bloat abounds. Think my principal will care if I wear sweatpants tomorrow?

The nurse from my clinic just called. Apparently I am supposed to coast now? In the morning I'm just supposed to take my Lupron, not the Menopur. I didn't ask why because I had a class, but now I'm curious. Maybe my estradiol is too high?

The moment my heart sank

2011-09-07T13:53:00.001-05:00

Another monitoring appointment this morning.

I won't know the results of the E2 until my clinic calls, in about an hour. What I do know is that my follies are still growing, and fast. I've got 4 at 19, a few at 17, 16, and 15, respectively, and a bunch of others between 11 and 15. The nurse said I will probably trigger tomorrow night.

Should be good news, right?

Except if you count the days, this is the EXACT same as last cycle. Same timing. Stim for six and a half days. And we all know how that cycle played out. We wanted slow and steady this time. Ugh!

So when the nurse said I will probably trigger tomorrow, while my face and mouth said "Awesome!," my heart and head said "SHIT! NO! DAMNIT!"

I hate to say it, but from here on out I'm just going through the motions. I have absolutely no hope that I will have a positive outcome from this. It looks waaaay too much like IVF #1. Aah hell.

Ps, Sarah, the nurse today loved my socks!

Guess who just got a day off tomorrow?

2011-09-06T19:25:00.000-05:00

Me! That's who.

I got a call from my clinic today requesting that I make my way up there tomorrow instead of my satellite clinic. Okay, sure.

I get transferred to the scheduling lady and tell her what I need to set up for tomorrow. She says, "Sure! Looks liks we've got a 9:45 and a 10:15 open"

*crickets*

*more crickets*

Uhhh... okay. She says, "Is there a problem?" I swallow and say "Nope, guess I'll just have to take the day off." "Day off?" she says, "But it's at 9:45." I respond with, "Yes, but I live THREE HOURS from there. And I'm a teacher. You take a half day or a whole day. Not hours. Eh, whatev, give me the 9:45"

So I had to scramble to write sub plans for a woman who knows nothing about music (GAH!) and finally got home at 6:30.

The question is... What to do with the rest of the day?

And everything looked good, I guess. I was just told to keep up on the protein, gatorade and salt. Mmmmmm.....stretchy pants :)

What the what?!

2011-09-06T11:53:00.000-05:00

U/s and bloodwork this morning.

Needle lady got a good poke on the first try, so I was in a good mood from that. Then I head to my u/s, which was at 7. I had just shot up my Menopur at 6, this is an important point.

U/s tech gets the show on the road and starts measuring away. Lining measuring at 8.3 triple striped. And 11 follicles over 11 on righty. Oh jeebs. She measures a few more and tells me I've got 3 more at 9, so they could catch up.

Moves to the other side and HOLY CRAP BATMAN! 17 follicles over 11, 2 more at 9, with the biggest being 19. Really, body? After (basically) four days of stims? At the smallest IVF dosage known to man? How does this happen?

I also *think* I heard the tech mutter something about fluid around the left ovary, so it will be interesting to hear what my clinic has to say when they call me this afternoon.

1. So much for slow and steady and 2. 28 follicles? with 5 more in the running? After FOUR DAYS? and 3. Hyperstim, here I come.

No wonder I'm so freakin' uncomfortable.

3 down...

2011-09-03T09:19:00.000-05:00

Stim injections that is. And hopefully about 11 more to go. Or 13 more.

As I was reading through other IVF blogs this morning I was struck by how low my dosage really is. Currently I'm injecting 5 units of Lupron and 75 units (1 vial) of Menopur in the morning and 100 units of Follistim at night. For IVF. Does this strike anyone else as crazy low? I mean, I know this dosage works, it just is hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that some women are shooting up in one night what will last me an entire cycle. For reals, I found one blogger who was injecting 575 units of Follistim a night. Insert shocked face here.

The crazy thing is I can already feel some action going on down there. After three injections! Apparently my body just loves it some meds!

Tomorrow

2011-09-01T14:45:00.000-05:00

It all starts, again, tomorrow.

Right now I'm feeling so completely unable to do this. So not ready for what lies ahead in the next two weeks. Full time patient AND full time teacher? 180 miles apart? I can't do this.

But I will. And my students and coworkers will be none-the-wiser. ~~Well, except for all of the juggling of classes.~~

Come on, babies. Make this worth it.

The day of two extremes

2011-08-30T14:11:00.002-05:00

The ugly: I show up at my clinic this morning at 7 am to have my blood drawn and get my ultrasound. Did you read that? 7. I got called back to have my blood drawn at 8. An hour. Waiting. I. Was. Pissed. Like, really pissed. When I finally realized that I was going to be extremely late for work, I had to quickly call my school and rearrange when I had all of my classes today. Do you know how pissed other teacher's get when you mess with their schedule the day of? The answer is REALLY PISSED! Ugh. So not a good start to the morning.

The better: I have been cleared to drop my lupron to 5 units and start stims on Friday. And I have 65 follicles to pick from for the growing. AND the ultrasound tech told me I have beautiful ovaries and uterus. *blushes* Well thanks, I've been working hard on them. AND my new insurance is so amazing compared to my old insurance. I now have $15,000 worth of infertility coverage!! I've yet to find out what is covered, but still?! YAY!

The amazingness: Do you know how awesome Jes G is? Thanks to her and the SITM exchange, I am the proud owner of these:

~~Oh my lord, those are some pasty, white legs!~~

That's right, be jealous! These are socks that looks like SHOES!!! Bah ha ha!! And you should know, Jes, that I got nine compliments on my socks today. NINE! And I might have gone without shoes for a good portion of my day in my classroom, just so that they could be seen. You rock my face off.

It's just...

2011-08-25T21:12:00.000-05:00

One week 'til I stab myself
Load the pen of Follistim and grow my eggies
Five days 'til the ultrasound that
makes sure that I don't have any cyy-ysts
(Sung to the tune of One Week by Bare.naked Ladies. Try it, it works)

(No, really. Sing it to yourself. DO IT!)

That's right, ladies. One week until we start IVF 2.0. To say that this is surreal is an understatment. NEVER in my life did I think *I* would be one of those woman to do IVF. And never, EVER did I think I would do it *gasp* twice. But here I am, praying with every ounce in me that this is it. This is the cycle that works.

Please, God, if you're listening, let my embies make it, k? Don't take them before I even get to see a picture of them. You know, like you did last time? I mean, I'm just saying, that kind of sucked.

Psssttt..... don't tell!

2011-08-21T15:57:00.001-05:00

Okay, so. I'm going to share something with you that I'm not very proud of. And it's so very, very hard for me to put it out there.

Deep breath.

I'm a nagger.

I know, guys, I know! I'm ashamed to put it out there. I have tried and tried to stop, and I have gotten better, but it's just such a part of me!

I think it stems from the fact that I was taught from a very young age not to be idle. Very rarely were we allowed to just sit and do nothing when I was little. There was always something to be done. A Saturday without any major plans? Looks like we are cleaning the attic! Home from school on a snow day without any homework? Time to deep clean the basement!

I have a really hard time just sitting. If I am going to sit and watch TV, I have to have my hands busy. But it doesn't just stop with me. I don't like it when my hubs isn't busy, either. I can't grasp how he can just chill out on the couch when there are dishes to wash, carpets to vacuum and a garage to organize. But I promise, I have been working really hard on biting my tongue. Just because I have a hard time chilling out doesn't mean he shouldn't be afforded that luxury too, right?

So, here's my secret. Today, when we got home from church, I laid down to take a nap. A nap for me usually lasts 15-20 minutes. Any longer than that and I'm wasting time, right? Well today my nap lasted *gulp* TWO AND A HALF HOURS!! So, guys, I'm begging. Don't tell my hubs? Please? I'll owe ya one!

Yup..

2011-08-20T15:44:00.000-05:00

Lupron.... I'm coming for you!!

In less than 24 hours you will be mine! And guess what? This time I'm going to inject you into mah belleh. Not the hubs. I. Will. Own. You.

And the terrible side effects I got from you last time? Yeah, I'm just going to ignore them this time. That's my plan. Because if I ignore them, they don't exist, right?

Yup.

COMPLETELY off topic rant

2011-08-17T19:46:00.001-05:00

Please excuse the regularly scheduled IVF talk for this post. It shouldn't last long, but be careful-it is extremely passionate.

My hometown, which is the town I also currently teach in, is the home of one of the Navy SE.AL's that was killed last week in the terrible helicopter shooting. Honestly, I had never met this man, but I feel like I've got a connection to him. He went to the same school I went to, my mother taught him while he was in high school, and I grew up a couple blocks away from his parents. While I never actually talked to this man, I am so incredibly grateful for what he gave for me. To think that he could come from my tiny hometown and make such a difference, it just inspires me. And humbles me. And fills me with a pride that I haven't known before.

His funeral is Friday at the school I teach in. We are not having class as the funeral is going to be in the gymnasium.

And we just got word that Wes.tbo.ro Bap.tist Chur.ch is going to be protesting the route to the funeral.

Did you know that Go.d h.ates fa.gs?

And that every IED that has blown up and killed soldiers was sent straight from God?

Because that is what they preach.
That every single American soldier that has been killed was killed by God because he is angry with the "ram.pant fa.ggots" in the US.

I don't even know where to begin with this. I really don't.

Such hatred. And malice.

I'm so disgusted I can't even think straight.

I know that these protests have been going on for a long, long time. I just never had a personal connection to it. I thought it was awful before. Now it actually makes me naseous.

This man's body came back in pieces. His family had to wait a week and a half to get his body because scientists where still trying to put the body parts with the right body. He died so that these people have the freedom of speech and they use it to hold signs that say "Thank God for IEDs" at his funeral.

Disgusting.

Jon, you are an inspiration to me. Thank you for your service. I'm forever grateful.

A pain in my....

2011-08-14T14:15:00.000-05:00

white, pasty butt.

I'm talking about scheduling.

I know how incredibly lucky I was to be able to do IVF 1.0 without having to juggle a job. One of the perks of being a teacher is the freedom to do whatevah I want for two months. I was so, so glad that we were able to get the first round out of the way in the midst of eating at restaurants and shopping at I.KEA.

But now? Oh holy bahjebus. I've got to figure out a way to be a full time teacher AND a full time patient. And did I mention that my clinic and my place of employment are two.and.a.half hours apart? 170 miles stand between the two buildings.

So when scheduling my appointments for monitoring I politely ~~demanded~~ asked that I get the first appointment of the day. Thankfully, they granted my request and I now have appointments every day the week of Labor Day at 7:15 am. 140 miles from my house.

Even with the early morning hours I won't be able to make it back to my school until around 10:30ish. So my school can just get me a sub for the time that I'm gone, right? WRONG!

My principal is making me reschedule the classes that I will miss between 8:30-10:30 sometime later in the day. Do you know how difficult that is??? Especially with (please don't hate on me, this is just my experience) elementary teachers who are SO UNWILLING TO CHANGE THEIR SCHEDULE!! Here is an example of the conversation I had on Friday with a first grade teacher

Me: Hey, Mrs. 1stgrade, I'm going to be gone on September 6th during your class time, so I was wondering when I can reschedule it. What times work for you?
Mrs. 1stgrade : *huge sigh, coupled with eyeroll* Uhhh... I don't know. Let me see if there is anything that I could possibly shift around so that you can have music.
Me: I have an idea! How about I get your class from their afternoon recess? I will take them from recess to my room, so you won't even need to deal with that transition at all
1st grade: But that is our science time.
Me: Hmm.. I see. Maybe you could have science at 9:00 that morning, when you should have had music?
1st grade: But we always have science in the afternoon.
Me: Well then this could be an exciting change in schedule! Science in the morning! Yay!
1st grade: Umm... no.
Me: Ooohkay, well how about I take them right before recess? Then I can take them directly outside from my room.
1st grade: That's math time..
Me: Oooh boy.
1st grade: I don't understand why you need to be gone? Why can't you just take my class at their normal time?
Me: *bangs head repeatedly on desk*

UGH! It was so much easier when I was a professional lounger! I'm not so sure that I can juggle teaching AND IVF. This shall be interesting...

Plugging along, Edited

2011-08-08T13:54:00.001-05:00

Hi friends.

I'm still here, just plugging along. Not much happening except for popping the good ol' birth control. Well, that, and getting ready for a new school year at a brand new school.

I'm currently debating how to cover the topic of my looming IVF cycle with my administrators. I can't exactly not tell them, but I'm not so sure that I want to be completely balls out with them. Two weeks ago I was absolutely certain I was just going to lay it all on the table, but now part of me wants to retain some privacy. Soo... how to approach this subject with three people I barely know...?

ETA: Chickenpig brought up some very valid points that I agree with. I did figure out, though, that if this cycle works I will be due the beginning of June, about 3 weeks after we get out of school for the summer. SO, it actually works to my admin's benefit, as I wouldn't need to take maternity leave. So maybe I do tell them everything and then point out that I'm actually trying to work with my school's schedule?

Jealousy isn't a good color on me...

2011-08-03T15:15:00.007-05:00

When I take a step back and look at my life, I see that I am so lucky. I've got a wonderful husband, a fantastic family who supports everything I do, a dog that makes me laugh, a home that I own and a full time job that I like going to.

Life is good

I mean, really. Life is good

We aren't loaded, but we live comfortably. We've got great friends who complete our life. We are able to travel, are able to indulge in hobbies and have lots of freedom.

It's a darn good life and I am happy.

As long as I don't start comparing my life to other people.

In the past month or so, tons of my bloggie friends have gotten their BFP, most recently Lissie, who got hers today. I am so, so happy for these women. They are so deserving and I wish them a happy and healthy 9 months.

But part of me can't help but wonder why not me? Why did they have successful IVF and IUI cycles while I'm still sitting here, popping pills and ordering injections? I'm torn between being happy for them and so sad for myself. I'm incredibly jealous of the women who see a BFP which then results in a baby.

Somedays I feel like I'm going to be stuck in the trenches of IF forever while others come and go. I've already been fighting this fight for 3 years. Most don't stick around in IF land this long.

What I need is to step back and constantly remind myself that besides not being able to have children, I have such a rich and happy life. But that doesn't stop me from being jealous of those women who get what seems to be just out of reach for me.

Randoms

2011-08-03T09:19:00.002-05:00

Ya know what the problem with starting IVF over is? My well of blog posts runs a bit dry..

One thing that amazes me about the IVF process is how it is so slow at the beginning and then takes off like a jet plane. The down regulation phase seems to drag on soooo long for me. And, well, I'm kinda in that stage right now, so this process seems to be moving slowing.

In other news, I order my meds yesterday for this cycle. Because of the meds that I had left over from last cycle, this time is only going to cost me $750 for everything! I'm going to be on Menopur, Follistim, Lupron, Metformin, and Dexamethasone, plus vitamins and a few other supplements.

And lastly, school starts a week from today. Oh boy. I'm a bit anxious because I will be started at a new school this year, so I'm going to have to learn all of the student's names again along with learning their personalities. No easy task when I will have 450 students!

So that's my Wednesday. What randoms are going on with you?

What I wish someone would have told me..

2011-07-31T13:44:00.003-05:00

Some things that I wish I had known going into IVF:
- Side effects become the new normal. Constant headache and moodiness? Uh huh
- Needles wouldn't bother me anymore. I still don't like them, but they don't bother me as much as they did before.
- I would never be more ready to have a surgical procedure. Going under anesthesia is usually very scary for me, but this time I was so ready! I was so uncomfortable!
- The mix of horomones and anesthesia would cause horrible constipation. NO ONE TOLD ME THIS!! I know better for next time!
- AF following a failed IVF cycle might result in a need for a blood transfusion (TMI? Nah...grin)
- I would completely lose any concept of "personal space." Stirrups have become my second home.
- Even though the nurse said I could resume normal activities that day after retrieval, I was completely incapable. I didn't feel really okay for a week after retrieval. And that, apparently, can be normal.

I can't think of any else, but I'm sure you've got some. What have you learned as a result of IF treatments that you didn't know before? Or what do you wish someone would have told you?

I've been dated!

2011-07-26T16:34:00.004-05:00

Uh huh, I've got the dates for IVF 2.0. And it's going to come up a lot quicker than I thought.

I will start BC as soon as AF arrives, which should probably be this weekend. Lupron begins on August 21, with stims on September 2. That puts egg retrieval estimated around September 12-14 and transfer *fingers crossed* around September 17-19. I'm excited!

And then I realized I'm taking Lupron at the end of August. Have any of you been to Iowa at the middle/end of August? It's about 10 degrees hotter than Satan's buttcrack. No, fo' shizzle. It's ridic. And I'm gunna be have hotflashes. When I say pit, you say out! Pit! Out! Pit! Out!

Which got me thinking...wouldn't it be awesome if you could pick and choose your side effects?

I'll have the Lupron combo with extra mood swings, hold the hot flashes...

Challenge issued.... to you! :)

2011-07-25T07:28:00.002-05:00

You guys, let me tell you how cute my husband is!

Going into this, he knew nothing (NOTHING!) about IVF. Through me explaining stuff to him and looking stuff up Dr. Google, he has come to have a decent grasp on it. One thing that still confuses the crap out of him, though, are all the abbreviations. So last night he was frantically clicking away on the computer while muttering to himself.

Me - What's wrong?
B - Oh, somebody commented on your last post and I'm trying to figure out what she meant. I don't remember the doctor saying anything about that abbreviation.
Me - Oh.....*pause*..... what was the abbreviation?
B - ICLW. I mean, I remember talking about ICSI, but when did he mention ICLW?
Me - *Trying not to laugh in his face* Why don't you head over to Stirrup Queens so that I can explain this to you....*grin*

I have to give the guy credit. I'm sure his head has been swimming with all of the abbreviations we use in the IF world. He has been trying his hardest to keep up, but sometimes, he is a little behind!

So this got me thinking. In the IF blogging community, we certainly have our own language. We could probably create an entire sentence using only our abbreviations!

So here is my fun, Monday morning challenge. I challenge you to leave a comment using the most abbreviations you can! The winner will get AN OCEAN OF HUMPBACK WHALES!! (That was Oprah Winfrey style, FYI)

Here is my go at it: I'm waiting for AF to arrive so that I can start BC for our IVF with ICSI. It will be hard not to POAS during the 2WW, but I'm hoping for a BFP!

Follow up

2011-07-24T07:20:00.008-05:00

Friday morning at 8 am sharp my phone rang. It was my RE. I was able to talk to him for almost 30 minutes regarding what happened and where we go from here. Here are some things he told me.

None of our embryos made it past 8 cells. They stopped growing on day 3.

Out of the 15 mature, only seven fertilized. Yes, I knew we only had seven embryos to begin with, but I didn't know that the other 8 eggs didn't fertilize. Not even abnormally. Just not at all.

At one point he said "I'm going to put you on something like Metformin to get this PCO under control." I said, "Um, you didn't think I had PCO before" to which he said "Well clearly I was wrong." So... I guess that is that.

For whatever reason, he said that my eggs/body didn't like the drug cocktail he had me on (Lupron, Menopur and Follistim) He is planning on using a different grouping next time around.

Yes, next time. He said that biologically, we can start the next cycle as soon as my period shows, in about a week. My husband and I needed to talk over when we would want to do another cycle.

To sum up the conversation, he said that sadly, there wasn't one specific reason as to why our embryos weren't very good. They just decided they were too cool for school and didn't want to stick around. He didn't know if a different drug cocktail would produce better embryos, but that he wanted to try.

So my husband and I sat and talked Thursday afternoon and we made a decision very quickly! As soon as AF shows I will start BC again and we will do this whole process over! Luckily, we did sign up for the At.tain program, so depending on what drugs he orders for next time, the whole IVF 2.0 should cost us less than $1000.

We will be doing ICSI on all the eggs, and might do a day 3 transfer instead of a day 5. Truthfully, I hope that we have enough embryos to avoid a 3 day transfer, but I will do what I have to to make this work!

Are we bummed about the outsome? Absolutely. Would we do anything differently if we could do it over again? Not at all. We got some answers about why good ol' fashioned "doing it" wasn't working for us and it solidified our decision to skip over injectable IUI's and do IVF.

Lastly, thank you so much for all of your support. You have no idea how it made me feel to have such an outpouring of love from you wonderful women. Basically, you guys rock my freakin' face off. :)