Survivor's Guilt

I've been struggling for a bit, my friends.

I'm sure you've noticed that my commenting has dropped off almost completely. It isn't that I'm not reading your blogs, I am!! It's literally the first thing I do in the morning and it's the last thing I do at night. When I whisper my prayers to whomever is listening each night, I include all of you in them. I pray that you have strength, determination, hope and success. I pray you find peace amidst the struggle, you find laughter in dark places and that at the end of the day, you can fall asleep knowing you've done all you can do.

From my home here in the cold midwest I've been celebrating your positives, crying over your obstacles and cheering you on, even if I'm not commenting.

The truth is, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know how to comment.

Several of you have commented on my blog, saying that I give you hope that you can get a positive, even when the doctor's tell you that your embryos suck and that they aren't going to make it. To you I say thank you and that you are a much bigger person than I was/am.

While I was in the midst of treatments I would follow women religiously, stalking them as they updated on their protocols and their outcomes. But as soon as they got their positive I had to stop following. Even though I knew these women had worked just as hard if not harder to get their baby's, it hurt to read about their successful journies, especially after a failed cycle. I couldn't do it. And worse was when a woman who had gotten her take home baby would stop by my blog to say "This is going to work for you!! I know it!!" Because really? No one can know that it is going to work and it hurt to hear that from someone who had already had their dream come true.

The past few days I have gotten up the nerve to comment a few times but in most of the cases, just as I was about to click "submit" I would feel Tic or Tac move. Like they were telling me "What the hell are you thinking? You have no right commenting on these blogs. You've got us and they are still working towards a baby."

I know I'm still aways from bring home Tic, Tac and Toe. That nothing is guaranteed. But I feel guilty that I've gotten to experience three, while so many of you are still waiting for your one (or two). I don't deserve this any more than any of you. In fact, I feel like there are so many of you that are so much more deserving than I am.

After a failed cycle I would often lay in bed and cry "Why me? Why do I have to face this?" The strange thing is I often find myself thinking that same thing these days. Yesterday, when I saw A and B with their heads right next to each other, almost as if they were talking, I thought "What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why not someone else?"

I'm not going to close this post by saying that your turn is coming and that your forever baby is on its way. I don't know that. I can't know that. But I do hope and pray with everything that is in me that your forever baby will find its way to your arms.

And I'm reading. And cheering you on from my couch. I promise.