Alternate title: A hard pill to swallow
And WAIT! Before you go cursing me out because you think I'm going to write a post about how "everything came together just as it should. Yay! I just had to be patient!" - this isn't going to be that kind of post. So hang around.
As I sit here on the eve of the first day of 20 weeks, I can't help but marvel at how far we've come. If you would have told me a year ago I would be in this position I would have laughed at you, called you a fool, and taken another tequila shot.
But I also can't get Skittle's upcoming "birthday" off my mind. Two days after I *potentially* reach 24 weeks (viability) is February 14th. Skittle's due date. I could have an almost 1 year old running around. But I don't.
And to know that the only reason I have these three fetuses up in here right now is because we lost our first baby? Well, that hurts.
So when people say "Oh, everything happens for a reason, you know!" I want to yell back "SHUT YOUR FREAKIN' MOUTH!" Please, please, give me a reason why I became pregnant only to find out almost four weeks later that there is no way that it could become a living, breathing child. What was the reasoning behind that?
Sometimes, when I think about what could happen to us if these babies come home, I get incredibly happy. And then I remember that if we hadn't lost Skittle, we wouldn't have them. It's a hard position to be in.
And to be fair, Skittle didn't even make it to eight weeks before we had to terminate the pregnancy. I can't even imagine the inner turmoil that women who have had premature labor or stillbirths later on deal with it. How do you move forward, in happiness, while knowing that you wouldn't be in this position without the loss?
Am I excited about Tic, Tac and Toe? Yeah. Am I sad about Skittle? Yeah. The question is, how do I celebrate these babies whole-heartedly while knowing we wouldn't be here if we wouldn't have had to say goodbye to our first?
I think, Dear Emily,that it isn't celebrating three new lives because of one lost. Yes, you mourn for Skittle. But,it isn't because s/he died that these three were possible. Losing one just helps you appreciate a little more how precious and fragile and miraculous each life is, and how lucky you are to be able to carry three more little miracles. And we are lucky to have you, to show us that there is hope, and to teach us to find humor in the struggle. Keep your feet (and your head) up. You are doing well. Tic, Tac, and Toe will be lucky to have you.
ReplyDeletei like the response from newbutdetermined... i think you should do both, (and just what feels right). Sometimes you may be mourning one loss, and other times be celebrating the three little ones you are carrying now.
ReplyDeletei am not too sure how to do this either. i muddled through christmas thinking i should have had an 8 month old in my arms and it should have been different. its just hard.
take care
Oh honey, I completely understand this. I struggle with this a lot...celebrating my twins but honoring the little ones we lost. I'm not sure it's something we will ever figure out how to do, but I do believe that being excited about the new babies doesn't diminish the love you felt for the baby you lost.
ReplyDeleteI'm somebody who has lost 2 back-to-back pregnancies, both with started out amazingly well, just past the 8 week mark. I've spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out WHY this happened, but know I'll never get answers. Surprisingly, a lot of good stuff (nothing as amazing as another viable pregnancy yet, because I have not tried again so far) happened only after my second loss- not only to me, but what I've found out *may* actually have helped other people.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a post a while ago on the good that follows the bad--
http://aboutplanb.blogspot.com/2011/01/on-universe-that-does-not-give-damn-and.html
Its really not up to us (thank god) to decide what we want, when faced with a celebration that happens because of the butterfly effect set off by a tragedy. Since we did nothing to cause the tragedy in the first place, any guilt at celebrating the thing that follows it is utterly misplaced.
None of this - the decisions of who lives, who dies, or the even the smaller things, is in our jurisdiction or control. All we can do, is celebrate what good happens, while rightfully mourning (and honoring) what happened before.
I had a very similar conversation with myself over 3 years ago. I was pg with "baby rocker" and miscarried at 8 1/2 weeks. I was so devastated. I became pg 2mths later by "accident" b/c my hormone levels were perfect for conceiving due to my m/c. I wasn't expecting it and was very shocked when I found out I was pg. I truly believe I didn't have a chance to fully grieve losing baby rocker. I was terrified my entire pg with B. Grateful? Yes. Scared? Absolutely.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of this month will be baby rocker's due date. I miss that baby that I never had a chance to hold. Every.single.day. But the thing is? I have finally gotten to a point to be incredibly grateful for the one I lost. Without her, I would've never had B. She was our angel, if you will. Just this past June, I celebrated both of their lives by getting a tattoo. 2 turtles, touching, one bigger than the other, B's initial in one and a red cross in the other (for faith and infertility). Now I have a constant visual reminder of not only how blessed I am to have B, but how equally blessed I was to have baby rocker for that short period, and how strong I am for having survived it all.
It's a tough journey when you lose a baby. You will find a happy medium. It may not happen as soon as you think and then one day you may find it happened when you didn't even realize it.
xoxo